Hello everybody. This is Käptn Kaos right from Hamburg City, on Sept. 19th… … which is, as you might know, the “Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day… … and as you see, my friends and I did everything to meet this day’s ceremonial character… … since we represent the Real True Religion, the Real True Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster… … and what we think is this: religion is a superb thing to have, religion is just great… … religion causes that people won’t feel hungry, and it causes peace everywh… … well, you know. With that in mind, we thought we’d just take the very essences from other religions… … and form our religious “best-of” out of those… … and today, on September 19th, we came up with someting special. (banner) DRINK! We have the total truth.
No, really, no kidding. DRINK! – A religious satire Okay, just in case you wonder what’s going on: Some sort of street stall with a big banner which says “DRINK!” – but why? Well – first things first. We represent the Real True Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster… a. k. a. “the real true religion”. We push the pedal to the metal.
Yes, for real! Our faith is based on the “Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”… … which Bobby Henderson, our Prophet (the very last Prophet btw.) wrote down. We believe that God is a Monster… … which actually looks like a bunch of spaghetti along with two big meatballs. That’s why we call Him the “Flying Spaghetti Monster”, respectfully. The Flying Spaghetti Monster’s chosen people – well, that’s the pirates. (Spoken in a broad, seamannish dialect now:) Hence the pirates strive for speaking in a considerably more maritime tongue than the average citizen… … they annually meet on September, 19th, to glorify His Noodly Divinity and to to good to the people. Sure enough, His Noodliness’ chosen pirates
won’t do so without a reason… … since they hope to achieve His noodly assistance and protection. “Forsooth: He, who created you, pirates, He hath presented thy a volcano, mighty and huge, and a beer volcano it will be.” “And beer will flow like water from it, and it will flow to the end of all days, seaman, and thy will have a place there.” The beauty of His Noodly Mercy is to be seen in His actions! “Eternity is really long, especially near the end.” – WOODY ALLEN And here comes the clou: The beer volcano holds a wide variety of various beverages and other things… … thus, offering a truly wide-range “spiritual” experience. Great, hah? The “Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day” is an excellent choice for telling the people about our faith. And that’s why today it says “DRINK!”. The FSM said all these words, and He gave Mosey the pirate all the good advice on earth… … what to teach his fellow pirates. And they had been carved into ten plates of stone… … and those plates Mosey called “Commandments”. Question #1: Are the people interested in our stall anyway? (Käptn Kaos) … and we don’t have Ten Commandments because of Moseys mishap…” (guy hidden by pixeled lady) … because there ain’t ten plaques. (brown jacket) You came up with that? (black cappy) Aye, aye… the real true religion. Like “der echte Dieter” or what? [ann.: former well-known broadcast] The people were bustling with interest. In fact, we barely had a minute on ourselves at that stall. They were believers among them as much as non-believers, and somewhere-in-betweens. All of which united in curiosity.
(no cats’ causalities known of today) Question #2: So why the heck do they care? (Käptn Kaos) You know what this is about?
(brown jacket) Sure, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. (Käptn Kaos) Exactly. (brown Jacket) Basically, I thought that it’s about faith, which is not based on empirical data… … but faith, therefore, can’t be falsified. So, since faith can’t be falsified, you can come up with any god, and it can never be argued against with reason. At that point, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was introduced, to counterpart the religious people, like: Okay, you have your god… … so I can tell just as confidentally that there’s a Flying Spaghetti Monster.
(Käptn Kaos) Precisely. (brown jacket) And you [believers] cannot deny His existence just as I can’t deny the existence of your god(s). (lady) What’s that? Your credo? (Käptn Kaos) Not quite, that’s our Eight I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts. That’s kind of our equivalent to the Ten Commandments. (Dude) Just way better.
(lady) Way better? I accept, right now. (Dude) Wow, really?
(lady) Sure. Tomorrow, I’ll go to church, they’ll do some… No, really. I love fun stuff. You know, this reminds me a little of those radical islamists… that “READ!” thing… … so, I’d like to tell you a funny story… … as I said, I like fun stuff. When I saw the [READ!-] stall for the very first time… … and also spotted the people standing behind it… … I misinterpreted it, You know, you see so many words in English these days… … so I thought it said “LIES!” instead of “READ!” [ann.: “read!”, imperative, spells “lies!” in German] (cappy) Hi.
(cappy) Now, what has you folks stranded here? (Dude) Guess what, we’re pirates.
(cappy) Somehow I’ve guessed so. [laughs] (Käptn Kaos) See, that guy can talk like a pirate!
(cappy) Aye! – (Pirates] Aye. (cappy) That’s how it’s supposed to be.
(Dude) Great, since today, it’s Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day… (pirates) beer volcano, strippers, … you know… (bus, overlaying the conversation) rrroooaaAaAAaAaAARRR… wheeee… dangdangdang… (all pirates) You want some beer? (cappy) Aye, okay… (cappy) Aye, thank you… (pixeled guy) Have you had muslim visitors showing up interested yet? (Käptn Kaos) Not yet; some seemingly passed by and were watching pretty irritated, maybe due to the design… (Käptn Kaos) … but they didn’t look like the average muslim guy. (Guy with bag) Hi!
(pirates) Heyho, hi! (Guy with bag) What’s this all ab…
(Käptn Kaos) Beer from His beer volcano. Want some? (Guy with bag) Gorgeous. Sure!
(Käptn Kaos) So thou shall have some, pirate. (Käptn Kaos) Or ain’t you a pirate? (Guy with bag) I’m on my way to become one… … I already have some t-shirts, but I still lack of the book of the Gospel. (Käptn Kaos) Oh, so you don’t have your own Gospel Book… well then, did you look into it, at least? (Guy with bag) Ever since today, I only read online about it. (Käptn Kaos) In that case, you hopefully enjoy our new website, which is availiable in English now as well… … and where you will find tons of information and stuff. (Käptn Kaos) You know, we came up with something shiny, brand new on the market… … a completely new invention: the Catpa.
(guy with bag) Aha? (Käptn Kaos) … which is the counterpart to the “dogma” concept. You see: dogma sells, as you can see… … with various other religions.
Only we have no dogmas, but Catpas. (hold video) A few visitors were giving us regards by saying “Arrgh!”
A quite surprising lot had heard of Pastafarianism before.
We had about as many believers as non-believers.
Unfortunately, not one single scraggy-beard of the “Read!” stall campaign would have shown up. Pity, ‘cos we would have loved that to happen. After all, they’re right about nearly everything. Only, it’s not “Allahu Akbar”, but “Spaghattu Monstarr”
Yep. That’s where the scraggy-beard’s Prophet simply misheard some information. Never mind.
(continue video) Question #3: Will people recognize the
all-important sobriety of our religiously intended set-up? (Käptn Kaos) Unfortunately, we can’t afford to give it to you for free [ann. remember, we’re PIRATES] … (brown jacket) no prob 🙂 (pirate to the pixeled couple) Actually, you already look pretty piratish already!
(someone) ‘f course. (cyclist) To truth! (cyclist) To the real truth! (pixeled guy) Well, this is intended to be some counter campaign on that “Read!”-project? [ann.: You bet that is!] (Dude) Just way better.
(lady) Way better? I accept, right now. (Dude) Wow, really?
(lady) Sure. Tomorrow, I’ll go to church, they’ll do some… obviously… … well, not too seriously. Well, shit happens, oh Monster. And yet, we had tons of fun, arrgh! That’s just why we will continue!
After all, we know we do the right thing. That’s the great thing about religions: You know,
whatever you do, that you’re right*. (*also check out “dogmas” and “catpas” on our website) It’s written:
“It should also be noted that
International Talk Like A Pirate Day
might be a good time for evangelical work…”
(Hen. 124, 3:4-6) Q. E. D.
I guess, we’ve proven so.
(More evidence that our Gospel
is telling the truth!
Hallucinia!) [ann.: for more information, see these groups (mainly in German)] (Käptn Kaos) And now to something completely different… … we’re living on a planet where there’s a lot of poverty and inequity taking place… … presently, we’re witnessing one of the biggest treck of refugees that ever occured. Thus, the members of the Real Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster too say: (Lady Mirácola) We want to help. So, if you want to help us with that, you can do that. (Käptn Kaos) Right. Recently, we have made first contacts to some refugee camps here, in Hamburg… … so, if you’d like to help personally or if you have things to offer, or stuff like that… … you might contact us, maybe by commenting this video or via email… … and we will do our best to get you in closer. (Lady Mirácola) We have to refuse monetary donations, though, for the time being. We just cannot handle that properly right now… … but here are some organisations that’d take good care of your donations. (Käptn Kaos) In fact, you’ve alrady done some little bit good, simply by watching this movie… … because most of the income from the commercials will be donated to UNICEF… … and they’ll do some proper refugees’ help programs from that money… … so, please share this movie and let’s make sure that many people click it. We say good bye now, for now. So, see you!