Trevor Moore – “High in Church” – Uncensored

Oh, dude, you got
to hit that shit. Okay. Oh, yeah. Here we go. [gagging, coughing] What? [coughing] (Brian)
Are you kidding? [coughing]
Wait. You way too big for that
widdle biddle-ass hit, dawg. Come on. Pass it, man. I know, look, I just– The thing about me is, I like to get high
incrementally, because I had
a bad experience once, so I like to take little hits
and see where that leaves me. That way, I know
how much more I can smoke before I get scared
and stuff. What? You need to stop
being a little bitch and hit that shit. Hit that shit. (both)
Hit that shit. Hit that shit. I’m going– (both)
Hit that shit. – What?
– All right, all right. Guys, guys. [Jamaican accent]
Jah praise now. Control this Rasta. High-style herb,
good for the soul! Bob from Babylon! ♪ Babylon shel-fah [laughs] Ohh. [knocking] [door opens] Trevor, put your shoes on! We have to get
to Midnight Mass! [pipe organ music] ♪ [hip-hop beat] ♪ I’m high in church ♪ I’m high in church ♪ O Lord, forgive me ♪ This is the worst ♪ I’m high in church ♪ I’m high in church ♪ O God, please help me ♪ This is the worst ♪ Went home for Christmas ♪ and Brian came over,
I was nervous ♪ ♪ ’cause he brought a bag
of shrooms and pot ♪ ♪ and I’m new to this,
I’m just learning ♪ ♪ Got a little too high
on accident ♪ ♪ Yeah, that’s right,
not on purpose ♪ ♪ Then Mom busted in my room ♪ and said we had to go
to midnight service ♪ ♪ Now we’re in the minivan ♪ and my friends
don’t understand ♪ ♪ I’m freaking out here, man ♪ trying to remember
who I am ♪ ♪ My mom is talking to me ♪ and that’s just
making it worse ♪ ♪ We walk into the lobby ♪ Oh, shit, I’m high in church ♪ I’m high in church ♪ I’m high in church ♪ O God, please help me ♪ This is the worst ♪ I’m high in church ♪ I’m high in church ♪ I’m high as hell ♪ This is the worst ♪ Fit to go
grab a pew ♪ ♪ I’m freaking out,
don’t know what to do ♪ ♪ There’s an old war vet
snoring next to me ♪ ♪ and I think he’s been here
since World War II ♪ ♪ I’m peaking here,
I’m wiggin’ out ♪ ♪ They know I’m stoned,
there is no doubt ♪ ♪ Brian is reading a Bible
and laughing ♪ ♪ I plead for him
to cut it out ♪ ♪ But he’s giggling loud,
he starts to cry ♪ ♪ He’s turning red,
I don’t know why ♪ ♪ He’s like a goddamn
neon billboard ♪ ♪ saying, “Hey y’all,
we’re super high” ♪ ♪ I ask him
what his problem is ♪ ♪ and what’s making him laugh ♪ He points to a verse
that says ♪ ♪ the Lord opened up
the mouth of an ass ♪ ♪ Oh, my god,
that’s super gross ♪ ♪ Why the hell
is that in there? ♪ ♪ My mom shushes both of us ♪ and people turn around
and stare ♪ ♪ I take the book from Brian ♪ The choir begins to sing ♪ It dawns on me that I’ve
never actually read this thing ♪ ♪ I open up the pages ♪ and then start
flipping through ♪ ♪ I find it calms me down ♪ and gives my mind
something to do ♪ ♪ It says some
beautiful things ♪ ♪ about forgiveness and love ♪ Till I get to the end
when God comes back ♪ ♪ wilds out and straight-up
fucks Earth up ♪ ♪ Holy shit,
did you know this? ♪ ♪ Read this last part,
what the fuck? ♪ ♪ Spoiler alert,
God comes back with dragons ♪ ♪ and murders everyone ♪ What happened to ♪ the lovey-dovey stuff
from the other verse? ♪ ♪ Oh, shit, man, I can’t
handle this right now ♪ ♪ I’m high in church ♪ I’m high in church ♪ I’m high in church ♪ O God, please help me ♪ This is the worst ♪ I’m high in church ♪ I’m high in church ♪ I’m high as hell ♪ This is the worst ♪ Need to get
where no one can see ♪ ♪ so excuse myself
to take a pee ♪ ♪ But in the bathroom
my old youth pastor ♪ ♪ comes up and stands
next to me ♪ ♪ Oh, great, he’s probably
gonna start yapping ♪ ♪ about how my soul
is eternal ♪ ♪ But instead he just asks why ♪ my pants are down
at the urinal ♪ ♪ Oops, um, sorry about that ♪ Nice to see you,
got to go ♪ ♪ Oh, my god,
I’m high as balls ♪ ♪ and there’s no way
he doesn’t know ♪ ♪ Shit, this is getting
out of hand ♪ ♪ I’m getting higher,
need to make a plan ♪ ♪ Maybe tell Mom I’m sick
and try to get the keys ♪ ♪ to sleep this off in the van ♪ I scoot back to my seat
and notice ♪ ♪ everyone has stopped singing ♪ The pastor asks if there is
anyone here who is visiting ♪ ♪ Mom gets excited,
raises her hand ♪ ♪ I tell her no,
but she makes me stand ♪ ♪ Pastor asks if I’m
just here for Christmas ♪ ♪ and I say I am ♪ The congregation
turns around ♪ ♪ The pastor asks me
how I’ve been ♪ ♪ And that’s about when
the goddamn shrooms ♪ ♪ decided it was time
to kick the fuck on in ♪ [demonic laughter] ♪ Trevor you’ve really
done it now ♪ ♪ Holy shit, what’s going on? ♪ What is that voice?
I’m freaking out ♪ ♪ This is Satan ♪ And you’ve summoned me
to seal your doom ♪ ♪ Whoa, hold up,
wait a minute ♪ ♪ I don’t even think
I believe in you ♪ ♪ I exist within
subconsciousness ♪ ♪ down in your mind ♪ But you did drugs
and went to church ♪ ♪ so now your soul is mine ♪ For all eternity ♪ you will never
escape my clutch ♪ ♪ Okay, uh, first of all ♪ I think that seems
like a little much ♪ ♪ A joint and a couple
caps and stems ♪ ♪ Is that all
that a soul is worth? ♪ ♪ And God made
everything I’ve done tonight ♪ ♪ All of it’s from the earth ♪ The mushrooms and the pot,
yo, He made it all ♪ ♪ The nitrous and the Adderall ♪ Muscle relaxers,
maybe a little coke ♪ ♪ But if that damns me
for eternity ♪ ♪ then if you ask me,
the system’s broke ♪ ♪ Then Satan disappeared ♪ and shrieked
a shrieking sound ♪ ♪ I sent him back to Hell ♪ because I fucking
stood my ground ♪ ♪ The church stares at me ♪ Their eyes are open wide ♪ And the pastor asks
if I’d stop shouting ♪ ♪ and please go outside Uh, sure. Sorry, it’s just that… ♪ I’m high in church ♪ I’m high in church ♪ Whatever, man ♪ I guess it could be worse ♪ I’m high in church ♪ That’s what I am ♪ Sorry, Mom, I guess
I’ll be outside in the van ♪ Whatever, man. I’m gonna be out
listening to the radio. Wake me up
when you guys are done. [cheers and applause] Yeah!

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