(thunder) Looks like rain, Ted. Come on Dougal, it’s your go. I must say, Father Hernandez, it’s been wonderful having you over. But I expect you’re getting homesick for Cuba by now. (speaks in Spanish) (Translator): “Yes, my country is very beautiful.” “But Ted, you have a great life here on…” “…Craggy Island. You have two good friends, Father Dougal,” “and of course, Father Jack.” Yes, but I must say, I miss the noise and the lights, you know, the whole buzz of the big city. “You were in Wexford, weren’t you?” I was, yes, but Craggy Island has its charms. The west part of the island was beautiful. Until it drifted off, of course. “Drifted off?” Yes, there was a bit of a storm and it just came loose. Now we don’t have a west side, it’s just north, south and east. But it was lovely while it was there. “You know Ted, your housekeeper is a very beautiful woman.” “Sometimes this celibacy is hard for a man.” “Heh, heh, heh.” Yes, well… you have to take the rough and the smooth, I suppose. Bishop Brennan springs to mind. “Oh, yes?” Yes, Bishop Len Brennan. He’s our kind of boss. Apparently, he was, huh… …at the old… himself. And the union was blessed, so they say. “No.” “Boy or girl?” A son. He lives in America, or so goes the rumour anyway. Was it Colonel Mustard, in the kitchen, with the.. the candlestick? What? Colonel Mustard, in the kitchen, with the candlestick? You have Colonel Mustard, you showed it to me earlier. How could it be Colonel Mustard if you have Colonel Mustard? Oh, right. Father Hernandez, your go. “Yes.” “I think it was the Reverend Green, with the knife, in the drawing room.” Hah, those Protestants, up to no good as usual! What’s Father Jack looking at? What’s that you’re watching, Father Jack? What? Is that a film you’re watching? What? Isn’t that Kiefer Sutherland? What? Is that “Flatliners” you’re watching? What? “Is Father Jack a little hard of hearing?” What? Yes, he gets a kind of waxy buildup in his ears. Then we have to syringe them, it’s not very nice. It’s great tho’, in a way, because, you know, we’re never short of candles. (Jack): What? Oh, that was in his head last week. And there’s a few more over there. We’ve nearly enough for a Papal funeral. He’s a sort of one man candle factory. Aren’t you, Father Jack? What? To be honest, he can hear well enough when he wants to. Watch this. Father Jack, would you like a glass of brandy? Yes. Oh, you see, he’s a terrible man. Brandy! Brandy! Alright, alright, alright. Now, say when. Huh? Say when. Huh? Tell me when you want me to stop pouring. Huh? Oh, oh, alright, that’s it. Are you sure you don’t want anymore? Yes, yes, yes. (phone rings) Hello, Craggy Island parochial house, Father Ted Crilly speaking. Oh, hello, Bishop Brennan, how are you? Yes, no, alright, good, yes, alright of course, yes, goodbye, bye so. That’s the boss, he’s coming over. He wants to talk to us about something. Come on, we better finish this. This must be the longest game of Cluedo I’ve ever played. How long are we at it now, five hours? Ted, should there not be some cards in here, or something? “Again, I have no words to say how thankful I am.” That’s a bit ungrateful, Ted. Don’t you worry, Father Hernandez. “However, I do have some gifts from the people of my village.” “Please, do not laugh at this simple example of Cuban handicraft.” It’s a video recorder! “Yes, I’m sorry. It’s a very basic model, it has only a three week prerecord facility.” Don’t worry about that, it’s great! Thanks very much Father Hernandez. It’s wonderful. “And for you, Ted, I have something very special.” You really shouldn’t have! You really shouldn’t have. “It is a Cuban fertility symbol.” “I hope it brings you as much luck as it brought me.” “Yes! Hey, hey my friend!” “Well…” Adiós, Ted! Come on now Dougal, the Bishop will be here any minute. Alright. Now, do you remember what I told you? Huh? It’s very simple: on no account you have to mention what we were talking about last night. Alright, yeah. What were we talking about last night, Ted? You know, the rumours about the Bishop’s little mistake. Alright, yeah. What mistake was that now, Ted? His son. His son in America. Oh, yes. He has a son? In America? Yes, or so they say. Right, right, huh. That’s news to me, Ted. We were talking about it last night, Dougal. To Father Hernandez. Who? Oh, right, the Cuban lad, yeah. He gave us a video! The Bishop, you remember? Right, okay. Just forget all about it. Just forget about it. Just do not mention the son. Have you got that? I have, Ted. The lights are on, but there’s nobody home. Father Crilly, Bishop Brennan is here. Hell’s bells! Right, show him in. Dougal, now remember, not a word about the son! Hello, Bishop, how are you? Come on in, sit down. Sit down there Your Grace, beside Father Dougal. Mrs Doyle, some tea, please! Oh, certainly, Father Crilly! How’s the son? WHAT? The Son of God! How’s the Son of God? How’s everything in the world of religion? The world of religion? What the hell are you talking about, Crilly? Well, you know- oh, Mrs Doyle, any sign of that tea? Here I am, here I am. Oh, isn’t this grand? I’m fine. Thank you, Mrs Doyle. Will you not have a cup of tea, Bishop Brennan? No! I’m not going to stay, I want to get right to the point and get the hell out of here! Are you sure you won’t have a cup? I’m certain, thank you. Go on, have a cup. No, thank you- Now, look at everybody else is having a cup, would you not have one yourself? I don’t have the time- You’ll feel left out! You’ll be “Bishop Piggy-in-the-middle”. I’m fine. I. Am. Fine! Are you sure you won’t have a cup? Just a drop… No! # Bishop Piggy-in-the-middle! # Just say “yes”, Your Grace. It’s quicker, believe me. Alright then, yes, come on. Ah grand, so, now. Well, I hope you’re not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack? (Brennan): Are you behaving yourself? Feck off! What did you say? Your Grace! What brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes? Fat chance. You’re here until I tell you otherwise. You think I’d let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athalong, huh? Yes, but surely… I’m alright. No no no. No, no. You are here until all of that money is accounted for. I don’t know what happened to that money, I- Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! And as for this… cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world after the Black Rock incident… Yes, that was unfortunate- The amount of people’s lives irreparably damaged… They were only nuns. Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved. I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with! Film? What… what film? This blasphemous film, ‘The Passion of Saint Tibulus’. Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole the bloody thing is showing on this godforsaken dump. Oh yes, that’s right. It is any good, that you know? I don’t care if it’s any good or not. All I know is that we have to be seen to be making a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out. And that’s where you, and Larry and Moe come in. What do you mean? Well, I know that normally you wouldn’t be able to organise a nun shoot in a nunnery. But despite that, it’s up to you to make the Church’s position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema! Even you should be able to manage that. Oh, thanks very much! Listen, this is very serious. Don’t make a balls of it, right? I’ll be in touch. Your Grace, that… this, this isn’t really my area- Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it’s a kind of a play area, with sand castles, and buckets, and spades! Now, do what you’re told, right? Bye now. Look at this. This is silly, there’s nobody here, for God’s sake. Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to say we have a treat in store today for all you fans of French cinema. Is this subtitled? Pardon? Is it subtitled, or is it dubbed? It’s subtitled. Oh, Jesus! Shall we start the protesting now, or what? Yes, I suppose so. Or maybe we should just stay and see a little bit of film first? No, let’s just get it over with. Oh, maybe it’s not too bad, Ted. It could be another “Commitments”. It doesn’t matter whether it’s good or bad, Dougal. It’s the morality we don’t agree with. Right, let’s go. BOO! BOO! (dog barks) (Ted): Stop that now! Oh, you bad pup. Who is that? Dirty filthy beggars! Look, you- (Dougal): Boo! Ted, Father Dougal. ’tis yourselves. Hello Michael, how are you? Oh, I’m grand. How’s Father Jack? We haven’t seen him since we’ve had the last Sharon Stone season on. He’s grand. He’s a bit tired, so he won’t be along today. Alright, but you’re making a fierce racket. It’s a long story. We had the Bishop over. You know, Len Brennan. Oh, that gobshite. Yes, and he’s going mad because of the film. He told us to come down here and kick a bit of a fuss. Alright, yeah. But there’s only one thing though: you’re sort of, eh, disrupting the show. We’re not, are we? We’re awful sorry, Michael. Oh, no no no no! No trouble at all, no. But, if you could keep it down a little. I mean, we have to think of other people. No problem. Yeah, you can count on us Michael. Michael, Michael! Uhm, I don’t suppose you… you could throw us out… just for the television? Oh, no problem! Do you want to go now? Actually, we might as well stay and see the film first. So, I’ll throw you out after the film? Grand! And… are we still okay for the… half price? No problem. Enjoy the film. BOO! Now, you! What was all that about? You’re asking the wrong person there, Ted. I couldn’t make head nor tail of it. I know for a fact that Saint Tibulus wore more clothes than that. He was from Norway, or somewhere! He’d have frozen to death! And do you remember that bit when Saint Tibulus tried to take that banana off the other lad? That wasn’t a banana, Dougal. Anyway, let’s get some sleep. (Dougal): (yawn) Give us a ‘B’ please, Bob. (Dougal): Beethoven! (Dougal): Give us a ‘C’ please, Bob. (Dougal): Carnivorous! (Dougal): ‘F’ please, Bob. (Ted): Oh, God, not “Blockbusters” again! (Dougal): Fettuccini! (Ted): Six A.M. Great, another eight hour sleep. You awake, Ted? Huh. This is fantastic, isn’t it? Another great lay in for the lads! (Ted): It is. Do you know what’d be terrible, Ted? Wouldn’t it be terrible if Bishop Brennan came in, and he told us to go down to the cinema, and start protesting again? (thunder) This is ridiculous. The flippin’ place doesn’t open for another seven hours! Ted, what about what the Bishop said? Didn’t he want us to chain ourselves to the railings? How are we supposed to do that? The O’Learys might have something. Right, you go on and get something. I’ll just stay here, and guard a close cinema against anyone who might want to watch a film that doesn’t start for another seven hours. Jack! What the hell are you up to? Why aren’t you at the film? Feck off! What? What did you say? Listen, did you see my bag anywhere? My travelling bag. Well, if you do see it, would you give it back to me? It’s got my bloody passport in it. And… Everything. Right. (grunts) (‘Hallelujah’ chorus plays) Are you gonna stand there all day, you fat old bitch? Don’t talk to me like that, you big pile of shite! Ya ignorant prick! You watch that mouth o’ yours! I’ll watch nothing! I’ll stick this up your arse! Ah, Father Dougal! Hello, you two. Father, how’s tricks? We haven’t seen you in a while! We were just going to have some tea. Would you have a drop? No, thanks, Mrs O’Leary, no. I’m fine. What can we do you for, Father? Well, I was looking for a pair of handcuffs, actually. A pair of handcuffs? What do you need them for? Oh, nothing much. They’re for me and Ted. You and Father Ted? Yeah. We’re just trying something out. Father, actually, funnily enough, I think we do have a pair. Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired. Retired from what? From the police. The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman? Uhm… he was, yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform? Oh, I thought he was just having a laugh. Anyway, here’s the handcuffs. Okay, thanks, great. Bye now. Bye Father. Down with this sort of thing! Careful now. Down with this sort of thing! Hello Father Crilly. Ah, hello Jim. Father McGuire. Hello! I’ve seen your picture in the paper. What? Here, have a look. Ah, look at you! So, it is a blasphemous film, Father? It is. What type of thing is it? Mad stuff. It’s very immoral Jim, you wouldn’t like it. Is it a type of nudie thing, Father? You wouldn’t believe the amount of nudity in it. You see the lot, do you Father, or is it just the top half you see? Nothing is left to the imagination. Right. Well, I’ll be off. Goodbye Jim! Hello there Fathers! Hah, hello Mrs Sheridan, Mrs. Glynn! ‘The Passion of Saint Tibulus’? What’s that, is it a western or a musical, or something? We always go on Tuesdays, gets us out of the house. Oh, we saw a great one a few weeks ago, ‘The Crying Game’! Oh, it was brilliant. And there was this great bit in it, you see. There was this girl, and then you find out it’s not a girl but a man! They got his lad out! What? They got his lad out, and you only see it for a second, but you get the message. Right? I didn’t know what it was at first, it’s been so long since I’ve seen one. I thought it looked like your Billy’s! Not at all, Billy’s is rounder at the top. Cheerio, Fathers! Should we be stopping them going in, Ted? It just goes to show, Dougal, nobody takes a blind bit of notice of what the Church says anymore. Hello, Pat! Father Crilly, hello. How’s your wife? I hear she hasn’t been well. She’s dead, Father. It’s terrible. When did she…? Oh, just a couple of hours ago. Really? Yes. Anyway, that’s just the way it is. What’s the film like, Father? What? Is it any good? I was reading about it in the paper. I don’t think you should think about going to a film if your wife has just died. I might wander in. I’ll contact you about the funeral details later. Well Fathers, I must say, this is extraordinary. This is the most successful film we’ve had since ‘Jurassic Park’! It’s breaking all sorts of records! Due to all this publicity over your protest. We certainly didn’t plan it that way. Oh my God, would you look who it is. Oh, thank God, a bit of support. Fair play to you for turning- Come on Father, I’ll get you a seat. Right Dougal, I’ve had enough of this. We’re leaving. Give me the keys. Keys? What’s this then, Your Grace? Why am I looking at a globe of the world? Well, ehm, how can I explain? Firstly, a resume of the last few days. Now, I don’t know if you remember, but I came in here with the idea of you making a dignified protest about this film. Do you remember that? Yes. Good. You know, just to show the Church’s opposition to the film. But, and this is the part that I find most interesting, you have actually made this film the most successful film ever shown here. Isn’t that great? I mean, people are coming from all over the country to see the film! They’re even coming from Gdansk to see the film! And look at this! Look, look at that, look. There’s you, there’s Forrest Gump, and there’s Father Jack actually watching the film! Now, there’s a turn up for the books, eh? (Brennan laughs) Right! Now, I think the best thing would be for ye three would be to continue your careers as priests-cum-film promoters outside of my jurisdiction. Huh? Now Ted, I thought that you might like to go to America. What part, do you think? Well… Las Vegas? Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Ted. I meant South America. You’ll see, there’s a lovely little island off the coast of Surinam. And… (Brennan laughs) They have a couple of tribes there, you’re going to love this, heh. And they have been knocking the shit out of each other since 1907. And we have never been able to find the right man to bring them together in the spirit of Christian harmony. But I think that you are the man. Well, thanks very much- No need to thank me. By the way, do you know how to make arrows? No. Not to worry, not to worry, it will come to you. Now Dougal, over to you. Isn’t it funny how some of these places in the Philippines can keep on going without a proper sewage system? Right there, Your Honour. Now Jack, where can we send you, huh? Jack, wake up! Bishop, I wouldn’t do that. You shut up. Jack! Wake up! FECK OFF! I’ve got you now Jack, I’ve got you! Oh my God, if you think the place is bad, wait until you see your new parish! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE! Well, that’s it then. I suppose… I suppose all we can do now is pack. Ted, I don’t want to go to the Philippines. I mean, I can’t even spell the Philippines. I know it begins with an ‘F’. I know, I know. If only there was some way we could persuade the Bishop to change his mind, if only we had something we could bargain with. I don’t know… (Jack cackles) (Ted): What’s that, Jack? Did you get a film? The last thing I want to watch now is a film. (Brennan): Shut that thing off! (Brennan): Here I come! Well, that was great, wasn’t it? You’re right there, Ted. Should we phone him now, or will we watch it again? I think we’ll watch it again.