Saint Support (2017)

Saint Support (2017)


This marriage has been a living hell! Look, I said a lot of things you know? Like that whole till death do us part thing to your ma. I love your ma but things are getting crazy. Look after her if I don’t come back I’ve never lived who knows how long we have… I I need to live. You will have the love and grace of God by your side and if that’s not enough to get some maniac off your back use this! Joey you were meant to do great things Thank you for calling Comcast account services this is Joey how can I help you? Listen uh Joey I’ve been on the phone with you guys for three hours now and I just want to cancel my account, alright? are you dissatisfied with your service and/or customer support? Yes very, this entire endeavor has been a living hell! Hell… Hell…. Hell…… Hey buddy, you still listening? Hello? Uh yeah, can you repeat that? Hello? Hello? Thank you for calling Comcast customer support. Oh Joseph honey I forgot my Facebook password…Mom you can’t keep calling me at work like this, I gotta go. Joey! Why are we here? Well, -this is where the water is. No I mean like on this planet like with each other. I was raised Catholic so my dad always told me that God put me here but… I’m not too sure about that. I mean if God loves us so much then why did he make tech support? Man, I don’t know. Hey Joey, look there’s Beth. You gonna finally ask her out? You know what? There’s something different about today. I’m going to do it. Hi Beth. Hi Joey. Using the microwave I see? Yeah. You know one time at Bible Camp, me and my friends put a house rat in the microwave… It blew up. Uh But the pastor said that even though his body was stuck in the eternal flames of the microwave that his soul was still going to heaven so it’s okay! Um… So do you want to like see a movie sometime or get coffee, or? Listen Joey, you’re a really nice guy, I just need someone a little less… Nice. I was going to say awkward… See you around… Pick it up! OK sorry. I can’t do this to them. Joey! *scream* *scream* Help! Your call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. ♪ Saint Support is a really cool thing, ♪ ♪ Dial it up and let it ring ring ring ♪ ♪ You have the time to make it right ♪ ♪ To make it to the Afterlife™ ♪ Could you provide me with your name and account number? Joey Newman and where the hell am I? Whoa language buddy I’m going to need your account number before I can transfer your call to the technical support team. I don’t think I have an account. Oh ok let me transfer your call. Wait! Please be patient, the next available service rep will be with you soon The estimated wait time is- an eternity! Just kidding! Ha. Ha. The wait time is- 20 minutes. Please stay on the line we hope the Lord is important to you as your call is to us, “and God with all his might shall make heaven easy and fast!” ♪ Especially when you kill yourself! ♪ ♪ You have all the time to really make it right- ♪ This is Saul at the Sales Desk, hello? Hello? Uh hi, I’m really confused about what’s going on here. Okay well I’m gonna need your name or some form of identification before we can proceed. Uh Joey Newman and I don’t have anything else to give. Mmmm oh we keep getting Newman’s pretty common name around here okay I can search through our database. I just need to know what’s going on in there I’m stuck in a room with no doors no windows? Mmmm ooo okay this is rare you might have something going on with your subscription let me see here. What subscription? Subscription to what? Your subscription to Afterlife™ Is this a joke? Well here we go it looks like there’s a hold on your account I’m just going to renew it and that should help your problem. Oh thank God. He’s on his lunch break, he’s on tier four of the branch you probably won’t get a chance to thank him by the way here is your account number for reference you ready? Yeah I’ll write it down. Okay 80 95 21 22 got it? um yeah can you go a little slower this time? Okay 809 5 2… 1… 2… 2 Got it now? Uh yeah. Okay you’re renewed! We’ve charged the credit card on file you should see it on your statement once you reach Afterlife™ thank you for using Saint Support we appreciate your time and we want you too Woah wait wait wait hold on I did not tell you to charge a renew anything what is this? Well your info is in our system. Well no I want to cancel the charge! Really? Most people don’t pass up an opportunity like this. My decision is final! Okay I’ll transfer you- David here! I understand that you’re dissatisfied with your Afterlife™ subscription. It was a mistake I just want to cancel… Okay I’m gonna need some information from you! You don’t need any information I just want to cancel. You get a free subscription to Afterlife Magazine™ and the fastest speed to heaven possible? Are you wiretapping again? Pizza’s ready darling! Oh it’s all crispy! *demonic grunt* I’m just trying to find out what’s keeping you from wanting to stay? I mean clearly the services were working for you… Why do you change all of a sudden. I’d just like to know for the sake of the survey… Hold on I I was just cut off look I’m done with customer support centers and I don’t wanna have to pay my way to Afterlife™ How’s that customer retention going David? Well if we don’t know why our customers are leaving then uh, how can we provide better services for all of the other souls in heaven. Uh well you can start with me. Ah! I don’t usually do this but i am going to transfer your call to Gabriel, our top tech assistant! Thank you. Hold on while I transfer your call. Gabriel at the tech desk what is the issue that you’re Oh brother another one. Yes! Hi I’m stuck in a room with only a phone that’s only calling Saint Support and there’s no way out I’ve tried everything. dealing with today? Have you tried unplugging it from the power source and plugging it back in? well when people in Very funny. Look Gabe. Why am I here? Well when people in your condition have an estranged relationship with our Lord we take them through Saint Support to help them get to their next destination. Um. Will I be able to go back to my body? Well that gets very technical, let’s just say will take kind of a miracle. I’m ready for a miracle I like to speak with Jesus. Excuse me? You heard me. I’d like to speak with Jesus. I don’t know if I’m authorized to do that, but I will redirect your call to someone who has a little more information Mary here Product Specialist for Saint Support. Before we begin we have a new affiliate program for spreading the grace of the Lord across all platforms and planes of existence. How can I help you today? I’d like to speak with your son. Oh well, you just cut right to the chase don’t you? Look I don’t want to hear anything more about the stupid products or related services, I just wanna talk with Jesus. I’ll have to check on his status, there’s no guarantee he’ll answer. He’s become quite the diva He’s been distant, he never texts me back when I need help logging into Faithbook™ you know when kids get so wrapped up in themselves? I know exactly what you mean You’re not just saying that are you? No I really mean it you’re the nicest person I’ve talked to on here. Well, get ready for a new kind of hell then! What? Jesus Christ what now? Hello what’s going on? Hey Jesus my name is Joey and I’d really like to talk to you! Hey look kid send the fan mail to my p.o box and- No no no that’s not what this is about. I need you to perform a miracle… Hey look kid miracles can only happen ever so often No miracle is gonna help that golf swing! Judas you fucking piece of shit! I will nail you to a cross! What were we talking about again ah that’s the right miracles. Yes! Everybody takes them for granted. I feel like- they don’t really appreciate the real Jesus, you feel me? Exactly I appreciate you so much! You’re just saying that. No! I’d just really like to go back. Back where? Hey look kid I don’t have all the time in the world right now. people are literally dying to meet me. Yeah is that right Judas you cheating prick! what where we talking about? Oh yeah back somewhere. I’d like to go back to my body to my life. Look you’ve gotta help me- This is my last chance and I would Just really appreciate your help dammit! You’ve got balls kid- I like balls. But I’m afraid that too is out of my control if you have water in there though… Free booze on me! Oh ok… Okay, I think old Daddy’O might be able to help you though Keep on rockin’ kid. Oh Jesus. You’re a God damm diva. God’s office God speaking. Oh it has been a lot of work for me to reach you. I know. You do? Well I just wanna mention a few things before we get into the logistics of this. Shoot away! I’ve got all the time in the universe. Oh do you? This has been a sickening experience! This is the worst customer service experience I have ever had. I mean Saint Support did not fix my problem, in fact they only made it worse. How can you represent a service so vile? I mean it’s up there with Comcast for God’s sake why can’t you just let this be, just let life be! We apologize for the inconvenience I mean just listen to you reading off your script! Scripture. Whatever! When did God just become another part of the bureaucracy? Religion is a business just like anything else we’ve had to adapt to the changing times there’s a lot of competition out there but we’re still on top baby! Look I’m sorry. I just want one thing right now. I just wanna go home… I wanna see my family… I wanna see my mom, My friends. I wanna cancel my subscription to Afterlife™ and I wanna go home. I mean I have a whole life to live mistakes to make, lessons to learn. Lesson number one don’t stand on rooftops. Is that too much to ask? Let’s see what we can do kid. Thank you Anything else I can help you with today? Not unless you can bring Joey back. What is this? Joey! Ooo painful! Call an ambulance! You should call a priest. Yeah Joey was a nice guy, really creepy didn’t talk to a lot of people he was a klutz too like oh look I’m gonna go fall off a roof, I’m Joey Newman I’m clumsy and confused… Yeah Brad is the love of my life! He just graduated from Stanford with his degree in football! Isn’t that right Brad? You stud! Beth… *grotesque kissing* What the hell man! Prepare to suffer… In the eternal fires of HELL! Welcome to hell please enjoy your stay! Sit back, toke up, and watch as the capitalist agenda fades away. Isn’t it nice Joey? Dad? Dad! you left all those years ago… Saint Support likes to scare people into paying. Hell’s got a great community, I can’t wait to introduce you to everyone! Well why didn’t you go to Afterlife™? Joey there are two kinds of people in this world those who pay their way and those who don’t! The best things in Afterlife™ are free. I feel shitty for leaving… Look I want a fresh start. Come on, I owe you Hell’s got great barbecue! Hell yeah! ♪ Yeah yeah ♪ ♪ I could be your miracle worker, just ♪ ♪ First let’s do some miracles tonight. ♪ ♪ Yo yo yo ♪ ♪ All them homies think they gonna get their lives back, ♪ ♪I hate to tell em that their life is super wack, ♪ ♪I’m the classical story rags to riches baby, ♪ ♪I make all of my super bad bitches crazy, ♪ ♪ And all the Saints got my back on this, ♪ Call 1 844 HD JESUS For a glimpse into an Afterlife™ beyond your wildest dreams, and pre-order “Jesus’s Greatest Hits” ♪ Investors bought it up like a miracle, ♪ ♪ ..and now we’re golfing on Cloud 9 that’s hysterical, ♪ ♪ I said youuuuuu, ♪ ♪ Tell me! ♪ Are you still watching? Call 1 844 HD JESUS For a glimpse into an Afterlife™ beyond your wildest dreams! And pre-order Jesus’s Greatest Hits, with With Afterlife™ chart toppers like “Love Thy Girl Next Door” chart-toppers like love that girl next “Modern Christ” and the number one smash hit, “Miracle Worker” Can I get a hallelujah? ♪ …your miracle worker baby! ♪ ♪ Listen. ♪ ♪ And I’ll give, ♪ ♪ A miracle to you maybe, ♪ Our service centers are awaiting your call, ACT FAST and you’ll receive the Jesus Box set, featuring the Jesus Cover Album: “Jesus Sings’s About Himself in the Third Person” ♪ All the ladies love me cause I’m Jesus! ♪ ♪ But they really love my Jesus Pieces. ♪ ♪ I’ll admit I’m all about my Reeses- ♪ ♪and My Jesus Cheez-its, ♪ ♪ Hold up a sec- ♪ ♪ I gotta Sneesus! ♪ ♪ Aaachooo! ♪ ♪ Bless me. ♪ ♪ An Afterlife could last forever, ♪ ♪ If you got money it is my pleasure ♪ Please stay on the line, we hope the lord is as important to you as your call is to us… “And God with all his might shall make heaven easy and fast.” – Peter 1:3

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