WARNING This video is potentially disgusting. We recommend minors to not watch it. Awwwwww! If you are an easily shocked person, you can click on the button below to exit the video. You’ve already watched the ad, so your money is already in our pocket. And this button is a fake anyway. Thank you! *Bip Bip* Somewhere in a regular japanese town.*japanese music* Potato! Use Mashed potatoes!*japanese music* Use Mashed potatoes!*japanese music* Use Mashed potatoes for fuck’s sake*japanese music* *Godzilla’s roaring**japanese music* *always japanese music* *opening* Hi everyone! Today is the month of [March] For most of you this is the month that celebrates the conference of Yalta where the US, the Soviets and the British agreed about the territorial sharing of Central Europe But for a small part of you, the month of [March] is also the month of Valentine’s day! And it’s now time for us, to study this ugly and disgusting thing that we call: Love ♥ Romance in video games already existed before Mass Effect or Catherine It’s rare that a hero goes out on an adventure and risks his life without a very good reason In the recent games the reason was often very simple, eh. It’s… SAVE THE WORLD *blast sounds* EVERYTHING EXPLODES *blast sounds* But there was a time where the reason was a lot simpler It was just: save your girlfriend Ghoul and Ghost, Mario, Double Dragon, Zelda….And that, strangely, worked especially in old games Why? I really don’t know…. maybe the morals have evolved…..that our children have changed And there son, you must save the princess! Here! Yeah!! I must save the princess And there son, you see, you must save the princess! Here! Is she hot? Ah! Shit I can’t find my fags anymore. Or maybe they became more violent ? And there son, you see, you must save the prin… I’d rather play GTA and go kill some whores! So let’s go for the very first “romantic” game I said ROMANCE Thank you Girl’s Garden, it came out on SG-1000, first console from *SEGA*, it only came out in Japan And it’s also the first game from Yuji Naka, one of the creators of Sonic In this cutie-cute game, we play a little girl who wants to stop her boyfriend from leaving with another woman I love how this game skips every step of a relationship to get directly to the stage: “I may only be 4 but I’m already cheating on you.” “Whatever it means….” We can see the boy’s cheating progression bar who distances more and more to go to the other girl Also, check out the huge typo on… The only word in the game… And so to bring your loved one back, you must bring him flowers that are growing everywhere in the garden. Oooh! It’s cuuute ! All while fighting against mountain bears. A normal person would say it’s cruel, but after all… I love flowers. The game is rather classic. You finish the level rather quickly and once that’s done… Aaaaaaw! ♥ Look! They get married ♥ 15 seconds later WHAT? I wanted tulips! You talk about a love game!
Goddamn, this game is actually sick, in a bad way… -Aaah! Fuck open for me! I’m being chased by a beaaar! Do you have the flowers? Another game on the list: 177, on NEC PC-88 Why is it called 177? I don’t have the slightest idea. Okay! Now I have a bad feeling about this. Ok… So apparently, due to the total lack of music and the game only rythmed by the echo of lonely footsteps in the night caused by this lonely young girl who is running away, with a worried look, wearing a small skirt and chased by a guy, I would say that this game is… The clip of Faudel: The Video Game *Tellement je t’aime -FAUDEL* Yeah, I know, I already did that joke but it makes me laugh. Ah I found it! So… 177 is the number of the law against rape in Japan. And… All right ! Next game ! Magical Date, on Playstation Date ! Magical DATE ! There’s “date” in the title, it will probably be a fucking romantic game, for God’s sake. So to start, we choose a girl Sailor Jupiter Sailor Mercury Or Sailor Lazyeyes And then the game starts and… Ooh fuck… But… what the… I’m not in the mood to do a frog battle And I don’t want to fly some seagulls This thing is a fucking series of mini-games I don’t have anything against that, but in that case, you call the game: “Fucking series of mini-games” And not “Magical Date” ! The only justification of the title is that you can bring your girlfriend to several places: at the supermarket, at the beach… where you want. And every 10 feet, you stop to do a mini-game Charming date. *foreign language* Right… Can we go to the beach now? Honey! Can’t you see that I’m playing a mini-game here? And all that for what? The ultimate reward : taking pictures of ugly polygons “Oh yes Darling! I love it when your rib cage comes out of your diaphragm!” So… The truth is that we wanted to make a special video for Valentine’s day this month But in reality, it’s super hard to find soft romantic games. Really! At least, it’s super hard to find romantic games in the west. But in Japan they have a shitload, eh. Tokimeki Memorial, to quote one of the most famous ones, which launched the flirting game trend You have everything: Cute girls, romances, high school love stories, plot, passion…. But we Westerners are more like: ” Nyeuheuh ASS eh COCK eh FART here” If we move forward a bit in time, then, it’s doable For example on DS we have a certain number of romantic games, but without sex scenes. It’s cool, but… As a male gamer, well… You don’t really see the point… Gotta admit! I think my misogynistic sentence detector has a signal ! I mean, honestly, a game where you can only talk with a virtual girl, barely pet her head but not going further It’s completely dumb if you think about it. Am I right? At this point, just play Nintendogs. A little dog is a way cuter! NOOO! And hey, I’m sure that if you throw her a frisbee,
she won’t even bring it back ! Go away! Leave me alone! Since we can’t speak about love, from now on we will talk about… Ass! Voilà. And now that we are going to talk about adult and mature stuff, I give the childrens 10 seconds… to go grab a beer. There’s not point in telling you to leave, you won’t do it anyway. Don’t touch your computer. We control your youtube screen Beware. You are now entering Filthy Zone C’mon, first game, and we will go on a new machine that we never saw before in the JDG show, I demand your applause. The Commodore 64, it come out in 1982. It was the first machine to be sold in millions and to be considered the first real computer for all It was even the first machine that has been sold in general shops, and not in specialised shops C’mon, first game ! It was the Commodore…. the Commodore 64 And we really don’t lack butt games. The first erotic game was in 1981 a game with only texts, called SoftPorn Aventure No images, nothing. Only texts You had to let your imagination do the work A few months later, on Atari 2600, there was the first porn-games specialized company Mystique, which brought all of its somewhat fancy games and was the first big scandal of the video game industry. Whether it was “service” natives or sharing around liters of love, the ass was selling well. And we can still see today games filled with young, innocent, huge-chested virgins, who still know how to do the Moldavian helicopter in their first relationship As if the Kamasutra was engraved in their genetic memory And at the peak of sick things, as always we can find JAPAN ! We now have games which try to simulate real women And it’s really well done ! They’ve even put in the long and boring conversations. Just like in real life ! HEYYYYY! BOOUUUUUUUH! Eeeeh … Sorry – *Meuhp meuhp bheuheuh* – *Blululuulululul* This game is really cool, because it helps me to know women better Let me guess, first date, right? – Blululul And of course, let’s cut to the core of the topic Wh….What….What the…. What am I doing there? Seriously… The game is called Real Girlfriend, but c’mon … I don’t know, heh, I’m not sure real girls will let you touch their boobs like that, after barely 30 seconds Especially if the discussion started like this: – *Meuhp meuhp bheuheuh* But ok. The Japanese are crazy, uh There is everything. There’s even a movement detector via the webcam Just to look more like a sexual predator on Omegle. And it can detect when you say “yes” or “no” if the girl asks you a question There. And because you have make BIG movements, you look even more creepy Darling ? You want some wine ? So, to come back to the retro, we can find a very short amount of erotic console games, for a good reason At the 8bits generation, the games needed the permission of the constructor to come out That’s why we won’t find “Tentacle Loli Rape 8” on NES or on Master System That’s why adult games more often saw the light on micro-computers. On Amiga 500 for example, we had a lot of… I mean… It was easy to make an adult game back in the day, uh. It was simple: you pick a famous serie Like Tetris or Bomberman And then you only need * a bit of fantasy. Just a bit of magic* And here, we have a game for adults You just had a huge dong as main character I don’t get it… If those games were made so that a male public would buy it What kind of male public can have fun playing with big cocks? Don’t answer ! And it worked for everything, hein. You like Arkanoid ? Hop! Now it’s called Inner Sex… And that’s when you say to yourself that luckily we have stopped all that crap with taking famous franchises to “kink’em up” Because it would have been quickly unbearable now. If we take a famous serie like… Like Hitman. And we make an erotic version of it… What would be the result ? Dickman You are fired I don’t even work here ! In the ridiculous erotic games on Amiga500, there was a lot of Point & Click, like the serie of Brad Stallion And we will study a bit more (but not too much) on the fourth episode: Brad Stallion and the Sex Olympics (He translates it) Ok, then let’s g…. Wait 2 seconds… Heeere. Let’s go ! Staring Brodrick bullcock I let thost who speak English explain to the others My god, that head! I love rednecks. IT’S HIM ! It’s totally HIM ! Do you think they got inspired from him to make this sketch ? *French Rednecks* “Starring the infamous Doctor Dildo”, played by Simon Whipsnade IT’S ABOUT SEX Staring Felecia Pheelmore as the beautiful princess Orgasma YEAH (x5) Seriously… Right, I suppose there’s a lot of self mockery here But there really, it looks like a kid who tries to make you laugh by telling a story with vulgar words… You know ! Things like: It’s the general Poop who shoots with his fart-pistol And shit, they really don’t have any shame… Look at that ship ! They are mocking everyone ! It’s the same ship as Boba Fett’s in Star Wars ! Don’t they have any limits ?! It’s kind of the same thing as Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, to talk about a famous game, that I played at the time That means there are a number of fixed screens and plural actions are possible Ok, Let’s see… this I guess that’s “kissing” ? Yes. So, “Screw”…. Mmh… I think you know what it means. And there is a bike pump or a cric next to it : I don’t know, I’d rather not imagine why. Anyway. Hooo. Magnificent I give a golden trim for the zip joke Thank god that this game doesn’t have any music or else we would have stuff like this: * “Les gros nichons” of camping Orchestra” * (The song is just about big boobs) So the goal of the games is to get all the items on all the planets of the system before Dr Dildo does. So let’s go to planet Arboria A planet entirely peopled by… Sheep Yep… You will also note the kind of backgrounds. If you asked a child to draw Mars, he would probably draw this. ” And then there were a lot of volcanoes, they did BOOM and then…” *shoot* Let’s go back to our sheeps (expression for “Let’s go back to our business”) So we move the character until we find the queen of the sheep who has the item we want with her, and there… *romantic music* Oh my God, forgive me for what I’m about to do *censored scene* AAHHHHHHHH AHHHHHH ! OH MY GOD ! OH MY GOD NO ! *cries* You know, I can’t stop imagining the people who WROTE the plot of this game… And a zip joke And eeeeeh….the gamer is naked “Everyday, thousands of drunk writers write shit…” “So…” “To never see tragedies like Brad Stallion or Arthur’s show again…” “Donate !” Aaand eeeeeh… he flies away with his dick ship into space. Right, I didn’t continue the game much longer after that. To summarize : I began to stink, I don’t know why. Maybe because my character shat himself. Who knows? Then I went to a planet where a frog STOLE MY PANTS. I swear And then… What? I… I have been arrested because I was NAKED ? I play a guy who is called Brad Stallion, who is taking a stroll in the galaxy on a ship in the form of a DICK to go fuck some ANIMALS, And I have been arrested only because I WAS NAKED ? What is the logic of this game ?! Anyway ! Finally, pretty quickly, well… We lost because Doctor Dildo got the items before me. There, I think the message is clear on this image, we lost the game. It’s crazy, there are a lot of games that I didn’t talk about, and I can’t even tell you because they’re so disgusting. Well, just do it with a song, it will go well. I don’t know… Honestly, I don’t believe in it, how you want that I… There is no chance of it going well, even in a song the games we must test are fucking disgusting… Look at that! How do you want me to… (just add a cat) Yeeeah! If there’s a cat, THEN it might work! Cats always make things cuter. But the best is Stroker! Gosh! I’m dirty man, it’s over, I put all back… Wait a second, there are more, turn on your Commodore! I won’t speak about Rapelay, no need here to insist, you cannot force me. At least for titles there was some imagination. You bunch of pigs, stay on board, here’s a second cardboard! And there are lots of others! Some are Japanese, you have no idea… And there are lots of others! When it is made with beasts, it is so more funny… HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYBODY! Nani? (What?)