Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 8 – Team Four Star (TFS)

Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 8 – Team Four Star (TFS)


*Anderson Reading disclaimer* Piracy’s a sin! AND YA KNOW HOW I HATE THAT! Maxwell: *speakers* For ye are the temple of the living God. As God hath said, “I will dwell in them, and walk in them,” “And I will be their God, and they shall be my people.” “Wherefore come out from among them and be ye separate,” sayeth the Lord… “And touch not the unclean thing, and I will receive you!” Little Boy: Mommy? What’s that man talking about? Maxwell: Yes, my fellow Christians… We have come to save you…! Man: Hooray, it’s the Catholic Church–! Maxwell: FROM YOURSELLLVES!!! Man: Oh no, it’s the Catholic Church…! Maxwell: YES! Cleanse the Earth of these sinners! May the Lord have mercy! FOR I… HAVE… NONE!!! Integra: You know… I think your boy Maxwell’s
letting his new authority get to his head a little… You should probably have a talk with him. Heinkel: He’s… he’s just under a lot of pressure. Maxwell: You do not deserve God’s MERCY! If He will not turn you to the afterlife, THEN I WILL! Heinkel: I mean, words only have as much meaning as ve give zem. Maxwell: Sinners will be allowed no quarter! Kill them all! LET GOD SORT THEM OUT! Integra: You’re right~; a lot open to interpretation there… Heinkel: Perhaps one of us SHOULD have a talk vith him… Maxwell: I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS WORLD!! Anderson: Aye… let me go have a wee chat. Integra: Oh, I have an idea~ Anderson: Womaaan…! Integra: Why not write down a formal protest~? Anderson: Doooon’t yoooou daaaare…! Integra: You can nail it to his door~… Anderson: Don’t you FUCKIN’ daaaare…! Integra: Like a PROTESTANT~! (Damn!) *Yelling* Anderson: Well, if it isn’t Alucard’s sidekick. Back for more of what I gave ya last time? Seras: Why don’t ya try sticking it in me again? I might like it this time… Heinkel: Father Anderson! Anderson: Context, Heinkel! Integra: Seras, report! And– …e-explain. Seras: Base is secure. Everyone’s dead. Ate Pip. Full-fledged vampire now. Anderson: And you’re going to DIE a full-fledged vampire. It’s a shame your blood sugar daddy won’t be here ta see it. *Guitar strumming* *Andrew W.K’s “Ready to Die” blasting through a loudspeaker* ♪ This is your time to pay ♪ ♪ This is your judgment day ♪ ♪ We made a sacrifice ♪ ♪ And now we get to take your life ♪ ♪ We shoot without a gun ♪ ♪ We’ll take on anyone ♪ ♪ It’s really nothing new ♪ ♪ It’s just a thing we like to do ♪ ♪ You better get ready to die ♪ ♪ (Get ready to die) ♪ ♪ You better get ready to kill ♪ ♪ (Get ready to kill) ♪ ♪ You better get ready to run ♪ ♪ ‘Cause here we com– ♪ Well, well, well… I leave for a day and… The Catholics are crusading, while the Nazis are invading~ Anderson! It’s been only two days, but it feels like YEARS. And you! Umm… How are… I… wanna say… “Logan”…? …Anderson, what’s this guy’s name? Captain: Grrrhhmmm… Alucard: Oh, better watch out for “Hmrmm-hmm”! Integra: AluCAARRRRD! Alucard: WHAAAAAAT? Integra: Release restraint level–! *Banjo music plays*
Jed Forrest: Now hold your horses! *Banjo music plays*
I don’t know who Y’ALL think ya are… *Banjo music plays*
but my name’s Jed Forrest of the South Carolina Baptist Confed– *Banjo music stops abruptly*
Alucard: Shhhhh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh… Alucard: Shhhhh-sh-sh-sh-sh-sh… Do you hear that? Jed Forrest: Do I hear wha-? *BLAM* Alucard: Hmm, must have just been the wind. Integra: Fuck it; dropping the formalities! Alucard! Go for a walk~. When hope is gone… Undo this lock… Demonic Alucard: And send me forth… On a moonlit walk…! Release restraint level… Zero. ♪ You better get ready to die ♪ ♪ (Get ready to DIE) ♪ ♪ Well, Party Party Party ♪ ♪ I wanna have a Party ♪ ♪ I need to have a Party ♪ ♪ You better have a Party ♪ ♪ O Party Party Party ♪ ♪ You gotta Party hardy ♪ ♪ I’m gonna have a Party ♪ ♪ Or else you will be sorry ♪ ♪ O Party Party Party ♪ ♪ The Party’s gonna starty ♪ ♪ The Party’s gonna starty ♪
Father Andrea Marco: Guys, I a-don’t want to jinx it… ♪ I know a guy named Marty ♪
Father Andrea Marco: Guys, I a-don’t want to jinx it… ♪ Marty likes to Party ♪
but I a-think we got him– ♪ O Party Party Party ♪
but I a-think we got him– ♪ O Party Party Party ♪
BWAAUGH! ♪ Party make me farty ♪
Major: Und das boot has finally dropped! ♪ I gotta take antacid ♪
Major: Und das boot has finally dropped! ♪ So I can keep on Partying ♪
Major: Und das boot has finally dropped! ♪ So I can keep on Partying ♪ Integra: I think it’s worth noting that this is the first time he’s ever followed my orders without any back-sass. ♪ Sweet sweet Party ♪
Integra: I think it’s worth noting that this is the first time he’s ever followed my orders without any back-sass. ♪ Party Party Party ♪
Integra: I think it’s worth noting that this is the first time he’s ever followed my orders without any back-sass. ♪ You gotta Party ♪
It’s simultaneously satisfying… ♪ And I wanna Party ♪
It’s simultaneously satisfying… ♪ And I wanna Party ♪
and disappointing… ♪ Who’s gonna make this Party started? ♪
and disappointing… ♪ Who’s gonna make this Party started? ♪
Maxwell: *Panicked* Eh… ♪ Who’s gonna make this Party started? ♪
Eh, s-send in the reinforcements! Send in the Mexican Inquisition! ♪ Me! ♪
Send in the Mexican Inquisition! Send in the Mexican Inquisition! ♪ Me! ♪
Don Diego De La Vega: They expected us… They expected all of us! Don Diego De La Vega: They expected us… They expected all of us! ♪ ME!!! ♪
Don Diego De La Vega: They expected us… They expected all of us! ¡¡Díos mio!! *Sick Guitar Solo*
Don Diego De La Vega: N-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Maxwell: Send in the Salvation Army! Abbot Puiser: Holy fuck, bro! This is what we get for sticking our necks out! Maxwell: Ngh… Nghhh…! Send in the forces of the Temple Beth Zion! Man: They fucked off before the battle even STARTED!!! Bartłomiej Jeleniak: Seriously, I can’t believe they thought we were going to help them! *Laughter* Jewish Guy: That’s for the Rhineland Massacres, ya schmuck! (Crusade of 1096) Maxwell: JEWWWWWWWS…! *Guitar Strumming*
Maxwell: JEWWWWWWWS…! Major: It’s kind of hilarious in a mundane vay, isn’t it? Maxwell: NO NO NO NO NO…! Herr Doctor: What is, Herr Major? Maxwell: NO NO NO NO NO! Major: Zat none of these vhaffle munchers ever put it together zat “Alucard” backvards is… Maxwell: DRACULAAAAAAAAAA???!!! *Music ends* Herr Doctor: To be fair, how long did it take for us to figure zat out? Major: A fair point. But, we were very busy planning Vorld Var ♪ Three~ ♪! Herr Doctor: True… Also, I believe our forces are being *laughing* quite literally slaughtered. Major: Ha! Who gives a shit? Zey’re Nazis! Maxwell: All remaining forces! Form up and protect your Neo-Pope! AAARRGHH…! Ughh… aaagh! Ughh! Ha! Stupid demon zombies! Claw away all you want! The only thing that could pierce my Holy Pope Box… is the will of God Hims-! *The will of God himself* *Strangled cries of terror* *Anderson Laughing* Maxwell: ANDERSON! ¡¿PORRR QUÉÉÉÉ?! Anderson: It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic… …and the false god… Maxwell: *Horrified gasps* Anderson: Also, you’re a daft cunt! Maxwell: *Terrified whimper* *Terrified* Anderson…! Anderson, I don’t deserve this…! Anderson: “Sinners will be allowed no quarter…” “Kill them all, and let God sort them out.” Maxwell: AAAAGGHH…!! Seras: *Awkward* Sooooooo… This is restraint level zero, huh? Integra: These are five hundred years and change of souls that Alucard has consumed… After a while, he stopped actually killing people himself and started hanging around battlefields, letting others do it for him. Seras: How many souls has he–?? Integra: Chowed down on? Ooohh, two million… …ish…? He calls it his… Ughhh… “#LifeHack”… Seras: *Scoffs* He would… Integra: *Exasperated sigh, followed by a deep inhale* Let’s go welcome him back! Anderson: *Solemn* I’m not sorry for what I did, Maxwell… …but I am sorry I had to do it. Anderson: And what has brought YOU to our sanctuary of love and brotherhood, my boy? Young Maxwell: I have a terrible guilt and rage inside me that can only be quelled by the blood and subjugation of the unclean! Anderson: Oh ho! You’ll fit right in! You were a good boy, Maxwell… Shame you were such a shit man. Anderson: *comms* To the Iscariot Order and all surviving Crusaders: Fall back to the Vatican! Heinkel: But Father Anderson, ve still have our orders and– Anderson: Ya don’t have to follow orders when your leader’s actin’ like a daft cunt! Anderson: Also, Maxwell’s dead, so… Heinkel: *Feigned sorrow* Oooh, zat’s a… tragedy… Anderson: Don’t weep for the stupid. You’ll be cryin’ all day. Now follow my orders. There’s something I must take care of… Heinkel: Father Anderson… There is no way you can beat Alucard as he is now. Anderson: Maybe you’re right, Heinkel… But I want to take a stab at it anyway… *WOOSH* Integra: I’m not sure we’ve technically met… Dracula: *Transylvanian accent* It is an honor, my Master, Sir Integra Hellsing… Please… a-just call me Drac. Integra: I don’t think I’m going to do that. Dracula: As you vish… Seras: Euh… ‘ello… Master! Eh… it’s me! Heh… Th-th-the police girl! Eeek! Dracula: Ah, good! It varms this long dead heart of mine to see you so grown up… Seras… Victoria. *Seras squees adorably* Integra: N’aww, this is nice~ Anderson: ALUCAAAAAAAAAARD!! Dracula: Alucard is not here right now. You face Count Dracula of Wallachia. Anderson: Call yourself whatever ya want, you crazy vampire bastard! I’m here to cleanse the Earth of your filth, once and for all! Dracula: Many have tried and failed. Yet, if it is my fate to fall to your blade… *Sharp Clang* then let it be so… worthy opponent. Anderson: Time the fuck out! If we’re doin’ this… and we ARE doing this…! I’m not gonna come swinging at *DRACULA*… I’M KILLIN’ ALUCARD! Dracula: You do know that it’s just my name spelled– Anderson: OF COURSE I DO! SHUT UP AND BRING HIM OUT! AHHHH! Dracula: *Slightly disappointed* Very well… *sigh* if you insist… Alucard: *regular accent* Hey there, Padre! How’s little Timmy? You know what’s good for getting cum stains out of altar boy robes? Holy Water! Did’ya miss me? Anderson: Like coke after Lent! Alucard: Wait… are we talking cola or cocai–? *Painful Groan* *And another* Alucard: Hope you don’t mind, I brought some friends! …Associates? …Slaves; I br– I brought slaves. Anderson: The more, THE MERRIER! Alucard: The runner takes his mark, the starting gun is fired, and it’s off to the races, folks! He swings to the left! He SWINGS to the right! He’s right in the thick of it, ladies and gentlemen! And what’s this? Oh, it’s a regular ol’ bayonet jamboree! And who’s this squaring up against him, standing 8’5” and weighing in at 600lbs? It’s Biiiiiiiig It’s Biiiiiiiig BARRY! Better watch out! He’s got no gag reflex! And he’s a hugger! But wait, there’s MORE! *Gunfire* Heinkel: Yumi, do ze thing! Yumi: *Speaking Japanese* Anderson: Yumi! Heinkel! I gave you express bloody orders to–! Heinkel: Ve don’t have to follow orders vhen our leader’s acting like a daft cunt! Anderson: That’s the only time you get to call me ANY kinda cunt! Alucard: She is sassy as fuck! Holy shit, I like her! Heinkel: Iscariots! Do you vant to live forever? Paladins: We will live forever! In God’s grace! Alucard: Y’all know you’re Naruto running, right? Iscariot: God… IS GREAT–! *BOOM!!!* Alucard: Ninja catholic suicide bombers… Heh, what a fun day! *Multiple suicide bombers shouting “GOD IS GREAT!”* Alucard: Is it racist to say that sounds better in Arabic? Anderson: Any last words, MONSTER? Alucard: Have you ever thought about carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drink,
you know, before they wake up in an hour? Alucard: Oh, sweet! You’ve got some on ya. Anderson: I forgive you… Alucard: …Excuse me? Anderson: Everything you’ve said… everything you’ve done… Anderson: I forgive you. Alucard: Well, isn’t that convenient… But it’s not up to you, is it? It’s up to your PRECIOUS God. Anderson: You’re right. Would you like to speak to him? Heinkel: Isn’t zat one of ze nails that pierced Christ’s body? From ze “Don’t Fuck Vith This” armory? Vere they keep ze Ark of ze Covenant, ze Dead
Sea scrolls, and ze ACTUAL Body of Christ?! Alucard: Ooh, la, la! You’ve got a nail with some Savior juice on it! What’cha gonna do; stab me through the heart? Anderson: Not yours… Alucard: *Angry* No, no, no…! Anderson: MINE. Alucard: *Angry* Nononononono no no NO! ((Co-captioner’s note: Good luck sleeping tonight, folks!)) Anderson: *distorted* Through the Ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace… Anderson: And I absolve you from your sins…
???: And I absolve you from your sins… In the name of the Father,
In the name of the Father, In the name of the Father, and of the Son,
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit…
In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit… Amen.
Amen. Alucard: *Thinking* Ugh, shit, this hurts…! This is a deep pain… Oh, cool, it gets worse! ???: Vlad Teppes of Wallachia… Son of the Dragon… The Impaler. Alucard: *In pain* Oh, fuck me, he wasn’t kidding! *Clears throat* *Sniffs* Hello, God! God: Dracula… Alucard: Actually, I go by “Alucard”, now. God: Hold that thought… Alucard: Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? Hey, hey! Stop that! STOP THAT! THOSE ARE MINE!!! God: I am forgiving your sins and releasing the
damned souls you have imprisoned within you. Alucard: *Laughing* Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hold on… *Deep breath* YOU’VE got a problem with people using others for their own ends?! What? Should I be giving you credit for the IDEA? IS THAT IT?! God: What is the source of your anger, child? Alucard: Oh, fuck you! You’re omniscient, you already know. God: Yes… I want you to SAY it… *Annoyed grunt* God: …Was it the ten years of ra–? Alucard: It was the ten years of RAPE! Nailed it like the FUCKING Romans! Alucard: Let me ask ya something, “Yahweh”… Which set of prints were yours in the sand? The hand prints, the knee prints, OR the footprints behind THOSE?! God: I have a plan for everyone. Alucard: And what’s the plan for the starving children in… to-ho, I don’t know… in “Name An African Country”? Alucard: Is it for them to die? Because if so, killer plan~! But… do you know who WAS there for me? Who answered my prayers, FINALLY? Here, let’s PUT ‘IM ON! God: I saw this coming, but I’m still not looking forward to it… *Dialtone* *Dialtone* Satan: Hi, God. God: Hi, Satan… Satan: Heyyy, so… I know it’s been a while… but, y’know, again, so sorry for what happened to your son. That was just terrible. God: Mmhmm… Satan: Remember… if you ever want to talk about it, I’m there for you. Well, you know what I mean – down here. *Laughs* Here, cuz you sent me here to Hell. But that’s okay… Ah, and by the way if you ever want to stop by, I make some… KILLER… avocado toast; you wouldn’t believe it. God: Mmhmm… Satan: But anyways… Alucard has been a super huge help
down here, uh, really cleaning up the place… I just wanted to thank you for forsaking him and sending him our way. Thank you so much. God: Mmhmm. Satan: By the way, uh, while I got you here, could you maaaaybe ease up on the requirements for getting in to Heaven? You know, it’s just that Hell is getting a WEE bit full down here… *Unintelligible whining* God: Anyway, Alucard… You are forgiven. And if you are brave enough to accept it– Alucard: Didn’t ask; don’t need it; go fuck yourself! God: Hmm… Satan: That’s a pretty fair offer, Alucard. Satan: What are you going to do? Alucard: The same thing we agreed to all those years ago. As I lay there… Betrayed by the Lord I thought on my side… Made a monster in his name… I swore I would not allow another monster like myself to exist in this world! Satan: *Laughs awkwardly* *Sigh* Hey by the way, can I get my dogs back? Alucard: No, they’re mine now! Anderson: Ughh… It looks like you got what you’ve always wanted… Alucard. Alucard: I didn’t want this… Anderson: Ye stole my heart… Alucard: *emotional* Ohhh… fu– fuckin’ come on, man… Anderson: *Weak cough* …Times like this… I’m reminded of one of my favorite verses… “Whosoever shed man’s blood, by man shall his blood be shed,” “For in the image of God, made He man.” Alucard: What chapter is that verse from? Anderson: Boondock Saints. *Coughing while chuckling* Ahh, my favorite movie… Alucard: *chuckles* *Deep breath* …Fuckin’ called it. Anderson: Alucard, I hate you… But I understand you. You seek out your own justice to right the countless wrongs you have committed… To find forgiveness… and salvation… But when you find it… Will you accept it? As a man, much like you, once lost, adrift in the mad world… I made peace with my demons. May I tell you how? Alucard: Of course… …my friend. Anderson: I– *STOMP* Walter: Said three Hail Marys, ate my vitamins, Fucked off, And died, A- A-men. Alucard: *Enraged beyond mortal comprehension* WWALLLLLTERRRRRRR!!! Alucard: ♪ How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman ♪ ♪ Dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot ♪ ♪ In an Italian village without a roof for sleeping under ♪ ♪ Grow up to be a deadly demon hunter? ♪ Seras: ♪ The Paladin, Catholic father without a father ♪ ♪ Got a lot farther by working a lot harder ♪ ♪ By being a lot smarter, by being a self-starter at fourteen, ♪ ♪ Who knew he was gonna become a martyr? ♪ Major: ♪ Zen a vampire came und devastation reigned ♪ ♪ Our man saw zis monster sucking blood from people’s veins ♪ ♪ So he took a holy blade und he stabbed it in ze brain ♪ ♪ Ze vampire was slain; ze incident lit a flame! ♪ Alucard: ♪ Well the word got around, they said, “This kid is insane, man” ♪ ♪ Took up a collection just to send him to the Vatican ♪ ♪ Get your ordination, don’t forget from whence you came ♪ ♪ And the world’s gonna know your name. ♪ ♪ What’s your name, man?! ♪ Choir: ♪ Alexander Anderson! ♫ Kaiserneko: Hey, folks! If you enjoyed that ending credits song, then check the description for a link to the full version. Also, check out our new Hellsing shirt, “Anderson: A
Catholic Crusade”, at sharkrobot.com/team-four-star Thanks to all our Patreon peeps and Twitch subs and all our fans everywhere. Peace!

100 Replies to “Hellsing Ultimate Abridged Episode 8 – Team Four Star (TFS)”

  1. You hear he song get ready to die and then see vampire leap off a ship with 2 of the most powerful pistols on earth. You know shit is about to go down

  2. Psychic Pebbles as Satan could honestly not be more fitting. splendidly appropriate casting Team FourStar

  3. Anderson: That's the only time you can call me any kind of cunt

    Alucard: OHHH SHE'S SASSY ASS FUCK I LIKE HER 😂😂😂😂😂

  4. Ya dont have to follow orders when your leader is actin like a daft cunt!

    Fucking amazing. Imma use that when i quit my job

  5. Two years later, and who'd of thought – this would be the best of the entire series. What came after? The worst. But hey when you go from fan passion to capitalist-driven, what ya expect?

  6. “JEEEEEWS!”
    I can totally see my people bailing on the Catholics for a good prank. Sounds like us.
    Also, I’m a bit disappointed. Seeing Jews killing Nazis would have been awesome

  7. Damn…i got a friend named Alex, I gotta change his ring tone song on my cell phone to Alexander Anderson rap…because…

  8. wait wait wait when was this made because the dead sea scrolls were discovered in… ok its been a while but it was not found with the catholics it was found in a tomb.

  9. Dont weep for the stupid you'll be crying all day. Wow. Alexander Anderson is strangely ironically pro darwinism..

  10. As a Catholic, a lot of these jokes make me simultaneously want to slap TFS for their profanity and hug them because of their hilarity.

  11. Alucard: what are you gonna do stab in the heart?
    Anderson: not yours
    Alucard:no no no
    Anderson:mine
    Alucard: no no no no NO
    One of my favorite parts

  12. Anderson: And your going to die a full fledged vampire. It's a shame your blood sugar daddy won't be here to see it.
    2:54
    Seras Victoria: You were saying?

  13. "Well, well, well. I leave for one day, and the catholics are crusading and the Nazis ate invading." Honestly my favorite quote

  14. The way Alucard just blares the song as the boat grinds its way through the broken bridge with him standing at the tip of the main deck is just too badass.

  15. Integra referencing the Lutheran Reformation when Maxwell has gone off the deep end with power gives me no end of enjoyment. She can snark with the best of them. 😀

  16. "Through the ministry of the church may god give you pardon and peace and I absorb you from your sins in the name of the father and of the son and of the holy spirit……. Amen"

    I really wish that line was in the original Dub.

  17. 6:25 hey, for anybody that knows how to edit the YouTube captions, I think I found a typo.

    So I wouldn’t blame them for the mistake, it’s pretty obscure, but I’m pretty sure the major is saying “vafer munchers” and not “vaffle munchers.” Calling a bunch of Catholics Waffle munchers doesn’t really make sense, but Catholics do eat those shitty Communion Wafers (they’re part of the whole “body and blood of Christ” ritual). I think the major was just insulting them for that

  18. "you stupid demonic zombies, claw away all you want,the only thing that could pierce my Holy pope box is the will of the god himself"
    truly an instant karma, since right the moment he said that, the will of god (Anderson knife) break his box :v

  19. TFS Hellsing is best hellsing! Seriously, to name a few:
    – Seras's giggle after dracula pats her head
    – The chant (When hope is gone, undo this lock…)
    – Alexander Hamilton NOPE Alexander Anderson
    – The major's accent
    – The fact that alucard's twitter exists
    Also anderson is basically the will of god :v
    And that was just from this ep

  20. I love how despite it being a parody, it manages some serious dialogues, different from the original but still making sense with the story. Also, if I could rain fire and death upon my enemies with Dies Irae blaring from the loudspeakers, I totally would.

  21. These guys even made a nod at the fact they released these 2 episodes per year for 5 or 6 years 3:58 “Anderson its only been 2 days but it feels like years”

  22. 14:37, can we just talk about how much of a f**king amazing scene this is, i am honestly wondering why it wasnt even in the Real OVA, Because now when i watch the non abriged version it just seems empty and wrong

  23. Can I say something ?
    Pause here 4:54
    I'm greek and this :
    Λίθος ο Ορέστιας
    Χρυσός-Ποιητικός
    Doesn't make any sense. I mean they are all greek words but they just don't make sense
    Λίθος means Rock
    ο Ορέστιας I actually cannot comprehend what it means
    Χρυσός means Golden
    Ποιητικός means Poetic
    Does anyone know what it is ?

  24. No matter how many times i see it (i think i'm at 10 times now) the phrase "Ninja catholic suicide bombers, what a fun day" always cracks me up

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