(silence) -ECK! ARSE! These really do work, don’t they Dougal? Oh, you’re right there Ted. FECK! ARSE! FE- (silence) So then, you’re a nun? Right Sister Monica, I’ve left your bags in the hall. I thought, before we dropped you off at the boat, you might like to go and see the Holy Stone. The what? The Holy Stone of Clonrichert. Oh, great. It’s one of the holiest lumps of rock in Europe, and you can get these magnificent souvenir combs there. They’re fantastic combs! I got this one last year, and you can see there they’ve written “I saw the Holy Stone of Clonrichert”. The stone is great. We’ve seen it, I think, about three hundred times. Well, why not. It would round off the weekend. If you thought the Ludo Night was exciting, this’ll drive you right over the edge. It’s all been leading up to the Holy Stone! What’s so Holy about it anyway, Father? Ah, it’s just a general kind of holiness, you know. Father Dougal stood beside it once for about ten minutes, and he got a great sense of serenity. Yes, I got a great buzz off it. But why is it called “The Holy Stone of Clonrichert”? I thought Clonrichert was in Fermanagh. It is. The Holy Stone was up there, but it wasn’t doing great business. So, a treat in store for ya. Well, wonderful. That’ll be wonderful. I’ll just go and freshen up. She’ll be putting on make-up, I suppose. Impress the lads, huh? Ah, no. She’s probably just going to the toilet. Aren’t nuns great though, Ted? It’s good because you don’t feel as nervous with them as you do with real women, do ya? Ah, you’re right there. Yeah. Even though I only got the courage to talk to her a few minutes ago, it’s nice to have a nun around. Gives the place a bit of glamour, huh? A woman’s touch. Anyway, listen, I’d better go and rouse Jack. And tell him we’re off. Ted says you were touching him. Father Jack, you alright there? Ready for another day? I’m off with Sister Monica now. If the milkman calls, the money is under the statue of Our Lord being embarrassed by the Romans. Alright then? Would you like a cup of tea before I go? Morning, Father. I know you won’t mind us leaving you alone, because Father Dougal got that new video for you. “Reservoir Dogs”. It’s probably not as violent as the ones you usually like, but, well, give it a go. What are you doing? This looks very bad, Ted. – What?
– He’s very drunk. Still? He must have been at it all night. Where does he hide it? I don’t know. I haven’t seen him this bad since that wedding in Clones, Ted. Do you remember? When he disappeared off with Sister Imelda. God, yes. The Blue Nun. Oh no, Ted. Look at this. Oh, God! Hold this. Father! This is very bad. Do you not remember what the Windolene did to you? Father Jack! Father Jack, are you in there? Ted! Imagine the damage floor polish would do you, my dear God! Ted! What is it? Eh, I’m in tremendous pain, Ted. Put it down, then! God, Dougal! Now, we better get him. Get him under the arms. Come on now, Father! Come on, can’t have Sister Monica see you like this. Come on, big steps! – Ah!
– What’s the matter? There you are, Sister Monica. That’s just Father Jack’s motor. Takes a little time to get him going in the morning. He doesn’t look well. Ah, he’s grand! We’re just taking him on a little trip to the toilet. Will you go on a little trip to the toilet, Father? Would you put him down there in that chair, and we’ll have a look at him! He doesn’t like to be fussed over. I really think you should let me look at him. Holy Mother of God! He’s dead! What’s the problem there, Sister? Father Jack is dead! There’s no pulse and he’s stone cold! Come on now, Father. You’re not dead, are you? He’s very definitely dead! Come on Father, the joke’s over. Father, he’s gone. I think you should go and get help. And Father Dougal here can give the sacraments. Right. Well, I’ll call doctor Sinnott, but frankly I think you’re making a big fuss about nothing. The last rites, Father. Alright, yeah, of course. Shouldn’t we wait for Ted? Well, there’s no need, really. Is there any anointing oil? No, I think himself drank it last week. – You sure you wouldn’t like to do the honours yourself?
– What? Oh, of course not, I suppose. I suppose I’m wearing the trousers, as far as this stuff goes. Right… Well, we are gathered here today to join two people… Sorry, that’s not it, of course, yeah. Well Father, best of luck. Of course, yeah, there’s more. Erm… sorry I didn’t get a chance to see you off. I don’t know if I should be talking to you down here, or up there. Look up there. So anyway, you’re there now with Our Lord, and Stalin, and Bob Marley, and the rest of them. And of course my own parents. Actually, I’d like to take this opportunity to say hello to them, Hello mummy and daddy. I hope they’re looking after you, up there. The Latin, Father. Oh, right, yeah. Totus tuus, minumus canis, Costacurta, Baggio, Roberto… Did you ring the doctor, Father? Right. Well, it looks bad, alright… I called doctor Sinnott and I gave him the symptoms over the phone, and he said he’s probably dead, alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign. That happened to my uncle, and he was fine afterwards. His heart stopped? For how long? Eh… a week. A week? Really? And he was fine afterwards? Actually, no. Now that I think of it, he died. I think it’s absolutely great to see… I mean, the level of commitment amongst the African Church in bringing the faith to the people is just wonderful. It’s marvellous, isn’t it? Sure I wouldn’t know, I’m from Donegal. Will you have a sandwich, Father Cleary? No thanks Mrs Doyle, I’m fine. – Have a try, they’re diagonal.
– So I see, but… – No thanks, anyway.
– Ah, go on. They’re only small. – No, thank you.
– Are you sure you won’t have one? – No thanks Mrs Doyle, I ate before I came out.
– Would you like one for later? I can put it in a bag. Oh, no no, don’t bother, no. – Here’s a little bag, you can bring one home in!
– No, no. – And here’s a bigger bag, you can put the little bag into.
– No. And you can eat it later, you can eat it now if you want, whatever suits you. Ah, you’ll have one now. Ah, sure, I might as well. Mrs Doyle! Father Mackey would like a sandwich. Father Mackey, will you have a sandwich? I’m terribly sorry I’m late, Ted! The car, oh, the car broke down! That’s alright. Father Fay, how are you? (monkey-like verses) He is. It was very quick. (monkey-like verses) Ah, yes, I suppose so. (monkey-like verses) In New Zealand, and a sister in South Africa. Oh, why, Ted? Why is it always the good ones? You bastard! Now, Father! He could have been Pope, Ted! But the fecking Jesuits, they have it all tied up! – Yes.
– Imagine Ted, a Polish Pope! It should have been Jack, but it’s not WHAT you know, it’s WHO you know! (sobs) That’s, er… sad, but look at him there, he was quite serene. (Other priest): Oh, God! Oh! No, no, no, no! He’s dead, Ted! We’ll never see him again! – We’ll see him in the next world.
– Oh yeah, sure. (monkey-like verses) Oh, God, no! Get him down, get him down! (monkey-like verses) (laughs to himself) Feck off! Give me lots of drink, huh huh. Arse! Feck! Drink! Feck off! Oh Ted, you big fool! – What are you doing, Dougal?
– Woah! I don’t think you should be getting up to this kind of nonsense. Come on now, up you get! You should leave his chair idle for a while. Did you ever look at that? Heh, it’s completely bald. Smooth as a baby’s behind. You’d know all about that, Ted. What? You know, when you’re baptising them. The babies. Oh. Now, I’m gonna give Sister Monica a lift, down to the boat. Thank you, Father. Oh, no. It’s the least we could do, you were always very good to Father Jack. It’s the least we could do. Excuse me, Father Crilly. There’s a woman here to see you. A woman, Mrs Doyle? I think you mean a nun. Oh no, no. It’s a woman, alright. A young woman, with a skirt. I’ll be off, then. – Hello, Father Crilly?
– Yes? – I’m from Corless, Corless and Sweeney.
– Oh oh, we’re fine for coal, thanks. Ah… no. It’s nothing to do with coal. My name is Laura Sweeney, and this must be Father McGuire. Anyway, I think you’d both better sit down. I’ve got a bit of a shock for you. Before you say anything, I want to assure you that it was just a routine relocation of funds. – Oh no, no.
– The money was resting in my account before I actually put it on- No, you don’t understand. This is about Father Hackett. Now please, sit down and I’ll explain everything to you. Now, it may come as a surprise for you to learn that Father Hackett left a will. – Did he? What does it say?
– Well, if I may… “I, Father Jack Hackett, being of sound mind and body-” (chortle) Sorry. “…leave my entire fortune to Father Ted Crilly and Father Dougal McGuire,” “to be distributed equally amongst them, and-” I’ll be… I’ll be off now then, Father. I’ll make the way to the boat myself, then. Yeah, yeah. Bye, Fathers. Yeah, bye. Look at this, Dougal! Father Jack left us money. That’s very nice of him. How much? Hah… Half… Half a million pounds. Half a million pounds? Each? Ah, no, between us. It’s only a quarter of a million each, Ted. Ted? Ted? (Laura): So that’s that. Looks like you’re going to be very rich men. (Ted): Grand. There’s just that sole requirement, which I’m surprised Father Hackett didn’t discuss with you himself. Oh? – When is the funeral, again?
– Again? Well, we haven’t had the first one yet, so… No. Huh, sorry, maybe I didn’t make myself clear- – It’s tomorrow morning.
– Right, well… You know about Father Hackett’s terrible fear of being buried alive… But there’s no chance of that now, is there? I mean, you know, that he’s dead. Oh yes, he was terribly frightened of that. That’s why he wouldn’t do confession. He didn’t like enclosed spaces. Of course, he also just didn’t want to do it. A load of strangers telling you their sins, who’d be bothered with that? Well, Father Hackett’s fear… Father Hackett’s fear was so great that he stipulated that you two must spend the night before the burial with him. Okay, alright. I suppose that’s the least we can do. Anyway, we can discuss it with the solicitor. I am the solicitor. (chortle) No, you’re not. I’m sorry, but I’m the senior partner in Corless, Corless and Sweeney. Now, come on now. Just because we’re from the island you think you can have a bit of fun with us? – I assure you-
– Alright, alright! The big thickos from the island! – But we’re not as thick as we look, eh?
– No way, Jose! Now wait a second! Why do you think I’ve been talking to you for the last hour and a half? Look, you’re a lovely girl, but I really think we should talk to the solicitor. If you’re a solicitor, I’m Boy George. # Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon,
you come and go, you come and go… # # Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon… # – Oh, how’s your head, Ted?
– Not too bad. It’s true what they say about these career women, they’re very aggressive. – Eh, she was very aggressive, wasn’t she Ted?
– Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn’t hear it from a docker. Ah, you would. They use very bad language. “Effing this” and “effing that”… It was worse than that, Ted. She was saying fu- Now, Dougal! Anyway, who’d have thought Father Jack had half a million pounds? And he never said a word about it! There it was, lying about in a bank account all these years… How did he get it all, in the first place? Well, as far as I understand it he was just an astute saver. He tried to avoid giving money to charity, he wouldn’t wear trousers during the summer, that obviously saved a couple of bob in the wear and tear. All sorts of little savings here and there, all over the place. It all adds up, you know. I suppose we only really knew him in his twilight years. And I think we saw the best of him. A really lovely man, true knight of the Church. Gentle, lovely sense of humour, patient, good-natured… Sorry Ted, who’s this now? Who do you think I’d be talking about at this particular moment, Dougal? Well, I’m not sure. I didn’t catch the start. Jack, of course! Oh right, yes, yes. A great priest. First priest to denounce the Beatles. – That’s right.
– He could see what they were up to. – And he loved children, of course.
– Oh he did, yes. They were terrified of him, though. Well, he had that stick, you know, and he’d be waving that stick, and maybe they thought he’d hit them. I heard that when he was teaching in St. Columb that he was a great believer in discipline. (mumbling and grunting) – Was he a good teacher?
– A friend of mine had him. Father Jimmy Ranable studied under him for a couple of years. And he told me once, no one had such a huge effect on him as Father Jack. Father Jimmy Ranable, oh yeah. Whatever happened to him? – Do you remember the Drumshanbo massacre?
– Yeah. – That was him.
– Oh. Another thing about Jack, he loved a bit of competition. He had a great sense of fair play. And a great traditionalist. He didn’t agree with a lot of the modern thinking within the Church. YOU’LL BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY IN HELL! HELL! Funny. One moment you’re here, the next moment… “And in the happy no-time of his sleeping,
Death took him by the hand.” You know, someone once said that life is but a thin sliver of light between two immensities of darkness. Makes you think. It does, Ted. About what? About death, Dougal, about death! That’s very morbid, isn’t it Ted? What started you off thinking about death? Still, it’s good that we have this time with him. Maybe sometimes we weren’t as thoughtful as we could have been, but at least now we’re able to have this time with him. – To treat him with the respect he deserves.
– Ah, you’re right there Ted. Do you fancy now a game of charades? Yes, I think so! – Great! So, you go first.
– Right. I’ll start. I’ll give you an easy one. (Dougal): Eh, fishing! Eh, gone fishing! Something to do with boxing, one handed boxing! – It’s a film!
– You’re not supposed to tell me, Ted! Okay. Film! One film! – One word!
– Come on Ted, you’re making it a bit too easy for me! I’m not an idiot, you know. Right, one word film, can’t be too many of them. “Salem’s lot”! Er… tongue! Mouth! Teeth! It’s a film called Tongue! Ton ton! Tonfish! Swimton! Eh… fish! “Attack of the giant killing fish”! Tonfish! Teeth! Fish! Piranha! “Jaws 2”! Oh, close then! “Ghostbusters 2”! “Superman 2”! No, “Batman Returns!” You had it! It was “Jaws”! No, I had “Jaws 2”, Ted! It’s a different film, it’s a very different film! It’s a different shark! Ted? Are you still awake, Ted? Yes, yes. – Just wanted to ask you a question.
– Oh, not again, Dougal. Look, when a man and a lady are very much in love, then- Oh, no. No I didn’t want to ask that, Ted. I just wanted to ask you… do you believe in an afterlife? – Do I what?
– Do you believe in an afterlife? Well Dougal, generally speaking, priests tend to have a very strong belief in the afterlife. Oh, I wish I had your faith, Ted. Dougal, how did you get into the Church? Was it, like, ‘collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest’? – Ted?
– Dougal, please let me go to sleep. I was just wondering, what are you gonna do with your share of the money? Well, I… luckily there are lots of charities organisations that are grateful for money. There’s “Concern”, “Saint Vincent de Paul”, “Food for Africa”, “Help the aged”… (disco music plays) And maybe a few pounds for “Comic Relief”. So, something good will come from Father Jack’s death. – It’s hard to believe he’s gone, though. Isn’t it, Ted?
– Ah, you’re right there. “It’s beginning to snow again. The flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight.” “It’s probably snowing all over the island. On the central plain, on the treeless hills.” “Falling softly upon the graveyards, upon the crosses and the headstones, upon all the living, and the dead.” SHUT THE FECK UP! (Ted): AAAH! Ted, Ted! What’s wrong, Ted? Father Jack, did you see what happened? Ted! What happened, Father Jack? What- OH! (loud snoring) So, there he is. Risen from the dead, like… That fella, ET. – There’s one thing that confuses me, though.
– Yes? Is Jack dead then, or what? Apparently not. The floor polish brought about all the symptoms of death, such as no heartbeat, rigor mortis, decomposition… But he was lucky, the effect just wore off him. It’s good to have him back though, isn’t it? Uhm. Who needs half a million pounds anyway? Yes, our life is the spiritual life. (disco music plays) But to be honest, I don’t like talking about this. But it’s only a matter of time. I mean, he’s not a young man. And you know, I suppose, when he’s gone it won’t be so bad. The money will be some kind of comfort to us. That’s something. Now, you better come down to the shops with me. I want to buy some more floor polish. Maybe we should get a few different brands, you know. Just to try them out. Yes, and we can leave them around the house, so they won’t get lost. Or we could keep them in Jack’s room, and ask him to keep an eye on them. DRINK! FECK OFF! (disco music plays)