God Talks To Abraham Lincoln About Civil War 2

God Talks To Abraham Lincoln About Civil War 2

Hello, humans. I’m God. Welcome to The God Show. Like, comment,
share, and subscribe. Thanks. Jesus is back with
me here today. What’s up, Jesus? Hi, God. I mean, Dad. Where the hell have
you been lately? You haven’t been on
the show in months. Oh, yeah. I was making some
appearances down on Earth. Oh, yeah. Anything I might’ve seen? Well, someone saw me in their
toilet bowl on a pile of crap. Holy shit. Exactly. But they accidentally flushed
me before they could take a pic. Jesus Christ. Then, I appeared in an
off Broadway pancake. Cool. Oh, and I played a corpse
on Law and Order SVU. Nice. Ought to check that out. You know how much I love
seeing you as a corpse. Yes, you do. Thanks, Dad. OK. Well, down on
Earth, just when you thought things couldn’t
get any dumber, they did. It’s time for the Me Damn News. In the Me Damn news this
week, President Douchelord quote tweeted fake Christian
pastor Robert Jeffress on Sunday. That’s right. He said, “if the Democrats
are successful in removing the President from office,
which they never will be, it will cause a civil
war like fracture in this nation from which
our country will never heal.” Naturally, good
people everywhere freaked out, because, well,
it’s just so damn insane. Oh, there was even
one, one, Republican who criticized Trump’s
start a civil war to save my guilty ass maneuver. That’s right. Representative Adam
Kinzinger of Illinois responded by saying,
“I have visited nations ravaged by civil war. @RealDonaldTrump, I have
never imagined such a quote to be repeated by a President. This is beyond repugnant.” Well said, Adam. Trump is repugnant. Here’s the most repugnant
Republican to ever exist. He uses Twitter to
promote terrorism. And he’s been doing it
the whole damn time. Professor John Coates noted
that the tweet itself was an impeachable offense . He said, quote, “this tweet
is itself an independent basis for impeachment, a sitting
president threatening civil war if Congress exercises
its constitutionally authorized power.” Damn right. While others questioned
why Trump didn’t get banned by Twitter for
promoting mass scale violence. “How does threatening
a civil war not violate terms of service?” Even presidential
candidate Kamala Harris wrote to Twitter
demanding they suspend the president for his threats. Oh, exactly. Twitter has done jack shit. And they will
never do jack shit. Twitter does not
care what happens. OK? Never go there, Jesus. It is a cursed hell site
filled with demon morons. Oh. OK, Dad. I won’t. So anyway, I made a poll
on Twitter the other day and asked the humans if
there would be a civil war. Because, you know,
I can use Twitter if I want to, because I’m God. I’m your dad. And I can use Twitter, but you
should stay away from there. You’re not old enough yet. If you say so. With over 13,000 votes
cast, 73% of respondents said that, lol, no,
nothing is going to happen. Ah. OK. Then, I, the lord thy God, also
responded to Trump’s civil war tweet. And I was quite civil about it. I said, “hey,
RealDonaldTrump, if you think your supporters are going
to fight a civil war to defend you from being impeached,
then you are sorely mistaken. “Newsflash, they are just
as cowardly as you are. Literally no one is
ready to get killed to save your stupid ass.” And then, I put
crying laughing face, rolling crying laughing
face, and so on and so forth. Owned. He was so owned by that. I got him. Devastated, Jesus. He read that and was devastated. Well, that’s where
you’re wrong, God. There are lots of evil doers
in the world just waiting for the green light
to commit violence. Journalist Nick Martin noted
that Stewart Rhodes, leader of the Oath Keepers Militia,
is already embracing Trump’s civil war tweets. Me dammit. What the hell is wrong
with these people? It’s OK, Dad. Breathe. Do your breathing exercises. You can calm down. OK. Just because a few lunatics
are frothing at the mouth, it doesn’t mean everyone
is about to start killing each other. Yeah, well, America sure
has a lot of crazy fucks. Yeah. But there are also a lot
of awesome funny people who started mocking the
whole thing by writing Civil War II letters. Oh. Mother, I was recruited by
the Antifa Domestic Terrorists Division. We made Soros cakes from
the Deep State Cookbook. We’ve joined forces with
the Bowling Green Brigade and marched on
MAGA’s Forest Rakers. General Clinton leads us. Pretty good, pretty good. Dearest Annabel, I do so miss
moving on you like a bitch. Our troops are in disarray. The president we so eagerly
defended is a cabbage head. He is all hat and no cattle. We are out of covfefe. I fear I’ve made
a grave mistake. Covfefe. Morale is low, as
another of our brethren and was felled by
an all caps tweet. Steal yourself, my dearest,
for the subject matter was the purchase
of plastic straws. Plastic straws, perfect. Ladies, fight braless. Conservatives hate a free
nipple and it’s empowerment alone will be enough
to slay your enemies. Damn right, free the nipples. I didn’t make beautiful,
perfect nipples just to see them locked
away in cages. Amen. Amen, damn right. [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, a-hem, and now, to speak
on the subject of the USA having a second civil war,
please welcome to the God Show the 16th US President,
Abraham Lincoln. Welcome, Abe. Hello, God. Hello, Jesus. So Abe, how have you been
enjoying Heaven in the 154 years since you’ve been dead. Oh, it’s wonderful,
just wonderful. Yeah, I see you spend
a lot of time smoking reefer with Bob Marley. Yes, yes. Thank you, God. Mr. Marley is a fine man. So, Abe, do you keep
up with the news in your old country, the USA? Oh, yes, of course. I take great interest in the
developments of the nation. So which channels
do you watch, CNN? MSNBC? Fox News? No, no, no, I mostly watch
PBS on the tele gizmo. Also, I do check the Twitter
gadget from time to time. Great. So what do you think
of Trump trying to start a civil war two
just to protect himself from impeachment? Yes, well, to be honest, it
kind of pisses me the fuck off. I know what you mean, Abe. These Americans piss me off too. Yes, I know things were messed
up in my days, but holy crap, they went and made mad
King George the president. Good job, A-holes. Right, it’s like
they’re just the dumbest people on the planet. Seriously, it’s like I saved the
nation from ruin for nothing. I took a bullet in
the head for this? Exactly. You got shot in the
head for these people and this is how they repay you? Jesus knows with threats like. Oh, yes, yes, I mean, I
didn’t get shot in the head. That sounds pretty easy. I got slowly crucified over
the course of three days. But yes, I do feel
your pain, Abe. I got crucified to
save them from sin and they just sin like crazy. Yes, it’s just like I always
said when I was down on earth, America will never be
destroyed from the outside. If we falter and
lose our freedoms, it will be because we
destroyed ourselves. So true. So Abe, you have any final
words for modern Americans? Four lawyers and seven
whores ago, you, the people, should have already
impeached this imbecile. Please America, don’t
start a second civil war over that fat,
intolerant A-hole. Do not choose violence. You are not enemies,
but friends. Remain dedicated
to the proposition, which was true in my time,
just as it’s true today– be excellent to each
other and party on, dudes. Oh, OK, well, that was kind
of random, but thanks, Abe. Good stuff. In closing, thou shalt not try
to start a second civil war and get millions of people
killed just to protect yourself from going to prison because
you did so many crimes. Thou shalt not be
a stupid asshole. The Lord has spoken. Reminder, every other episode of
the God Show is a three–minute teaser. You can only listen to the full
episode by becoming a patron saint at Patreon.com/thegodshow. You will miss
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Flo, Jeanette, and Samantha. Thank you for your support. You make The God Show possible. OK, OK, that’s all the
time I have for today. I gotta go smite
some motherfuckers. Please make sure to like,
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21 Replies to “God Talks To Abraham Lincoln About Civil War 2”

  1. This is my second or third time watching your little show and l noticed something. You only have four fingers. l thought you made us i your image? So why the fuck do us humans (well, the vast majority of us) have five fingers and you only have four?? Did you lie to us about that? What else have you lied to us about? Have a nice day.

  2. Watching this I have a question. If you made man in your image how come we have a thumb and four fingers and you have a thumb and three fingers?

  3. odd thing about twitter, jack is random about what he allows. trump and co can say anything, but say anything against him…

  4. Lincoln was a genocidal piece of shit. You think an asshole who kept the Indian Removal Act going would go to heaven? He murdered 38 native men with no due process. Then made thanksgiving a fucking national holiday. Pretty fucking rich to have him saying shit about freedoms.

  5. 🎶*When Donnie goes marching to the pen, hurrah! hurrah!
    We'll give him a hearty send-off then, hurrah! hurrah!
    The folks will cheer with a joyful shout,
    To see that bastard get booted out,
    And we'll all get drunk when Donnie goes off to jail!"*🎶
    #CivilWar2Songs [email protected]=e

  6. god, you are causing havoc. You and all the twitter haters repeat those 2 words Civil War and you know it subliminally leaves a mark on the mind God. You know better. What happened to your love one another God? Oh btw are u sure Abe isn't Conan O'Brian? Just wondered?

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