God Apologizes For A Lot Of Stuff

God Apologizes For A Lot Of Stuff


[MUSIC PLAYING] What’s up, humans. It’s God again. I just wanted to talk today
about some things that have been bothering me. Is it just me, or are things
getting crazier out there? I watch you humans when you
drive and stuff like that, and wow. The number of people that are
willing to just drive, like, 90 miles an hour to get
wherever they think they need to go and endanger your lives
and the lives of your children, it’s crazy. And then the bumper
stickers, oh, wow. Your bumper stickers suck. It’s just crazy out there. I feel like people,
you know, they’re really at each other’s throats. It’s kind of what
you see online. The way how nasty people are
and the comments on Twitter, and Facebook, and Instagram,
that’s how they want to be in real life, but they can’t. But on the road, they can,
and now they’re behind a car. People carry around a lot of
unresolved pain, and anger, and, well, maybe
you should start funding mental health is just
kind of what I’m thinking. Like, you know, there shouldn’t
be a stigma for mental health. And there should be way more
money and funding for that because when things are
this messed up, you need– you need a lot of self care. And I should know. I should know. I talk to a
therapist every week. Some of the best psychologists
from all of history take care of me. It takes a lot to
keep the Lord thy God from going insane and
just destroying your wall. I can whine all day long about
how people should be better, but you and I know
that as much as I want to pray for
you to be better, it’s not going to
make a difference. We can all complain why doesn’t
somebody else be better, but it’s never going
to make a difference. Please, please be nice. Don’t be a dick. Please. At the end of the day,
it’s really up to you. All I can do is focus on myself
and be the change in the world and in the universe
that I want to see. Even for me, I mean, you
would say, but you’re God. Why don’t you just smite
all the unbelievers, and the evil pricks, and why
don’t you just fix everything? Because that’s not
the way it works, OK? You’re– you’re so annoying
you make my eye twitch. [GROANS] That’s not
the way it works, OK? How it works is this. You’ve got to work on yourself. If people are pissing you
off, they’re being mean, you can be a nicer person. And someone else will see
that, and you’ll be like, look at that. Look at that nice person
shining in the darkness. Maybe I’ll be nicer too, pay
it forward, and all that. You just gotta believe. That’s my message. OK, well, I would like to
apologize for all the things that I have done wrong. Yes, yes, I have done many
things wrong over time. As hard as it is for me to
say this, humans, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I know that I’ve done a lot
of things over the centuries that were pretty awful. Flooding the planet and
killing every human on Earth because they were just sort
of letting me down, you know? I was like, what’s
up with these humans? They all suck except
for this one guy. He seems cool. And then I killed everybody. That was pretty severe. And there was that time I
killed all the dinosaurs just because they were
starting to bore me. And I threw a
meteor, and I finally hit the planet with the
meteor after, like, millions of years of trying. Yeah, I mean, I will
say that you humans are way more entertaining, but the
dinosaurs didn’t deserve that. And as we can see now
from Jurassic Park, they’re actually
very entertaining. Maybe they just
needed to be around at the same time as humans. I’m sorry dinosaurs. You’re cool. You were one of the greatest
things that I ever did. And you deserve better than for
me to hunt you down one by one and bury your bones everywhere. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I’d like to make a
special apology to Job. He was this guy in
the Bible that– he, like, really loved me. And the devil was
like, I got an idea. Let’s do a bet. I’ll bet you that I can make
this guy Job hate your ass. And I was like, not Job. Job is awesome. He’s never going to betray me. So Satan ruined his life. He sort of killed his family,
and burned his house down, and destroyed all his
farm animals, and stuff. And he put boils on his body. Wait, was it him that
did that or was it me? Anyway, it happened to Job. It happened on my watch. So yeah, it’s my fault.
The sin stops here. At the end of the day, Job,
you know, he still loves me. I won the dollar from Satan. I gave Job a new
family, and a new wife, and new kids, and a new
farm, and everything. But he was still sad
about losing the old ones. I’m sorry Job. I’m sorry. For the record, I’m sorry. There’s probably, like,
a million apologies that I could do. Oh, I’ve only been
talking for three minutes. OK, my producer’s
telling me that I need to apologize to more
people because we’re not exactly at time yet. Let me just do a
blanket apology. If you are in a group that
was subjugated and oppressed throughout time, and you
were like, where’s God? Where’s God in all this? God should be here. Just know that I’m
really, really sorry. I was probably passed out. Yeah, that’s right. Mea culpa, mea culpa. I’ve struggled with
addiction issues– [COUGHING] –for centuries. It stems from the
stress that humans– OK, I know this
sounds like an excuse. And excuses are like
assholes, and everyone has them, even Jesus. It sounds like an excuse,
but it’s really true. I was passed out during all
the most horrible things that happened throughout history. So, like, the dark ages, that
was right after Jesus got crucified, right? So then he got back
to heaven, well, let’s just say you can
imagine the party we had. It was like, mission
accomplished. We saved humans from
sin for all time. I mean we as in we,
not just you that did something, Jesus,
because, you know, this is a big team here. It’s not just the
dude bleeding out on the cross that
gets all the credit. You know, what about me? I came up with the plan. So, anyway, we
spent the dark ages just totally smoking
weed, and getting drunk, and playing video
games that hadn’t been invented by humans
yet, but video games from other galaxies. The alien video games
are pretty intense. So, yeah if you
were in a group that suffered through unbelievable
subjugation because of me seemingly not
existing, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I guess that makes us good now. You let me know. You let me know in
the comments if I’m forgiven for all the horrible
things that have happened throughout history. How we doing on time now? No? OK. I think that’s good enough. If there’s anything
else that maybe you think I should apologize
for that I forgot, let me know in the comments. And like, comment, and
subscribe all that good stuff. Know that “The God
Show” is available wherever you get your
podcasts, also here on YouTube. I feel better. I feel unburdened. I’m sure you’ll have lots
of suggestions for things that I also need
to apologize for. That’s all the time
we have for today. I’m the Lord thy God. We’ll see you next
time on “The God Show.” Reminder, every other
episode of “The God Show” is a three minute teaser. You can only listen to the full
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you, I wouldn’t exist. OK, OK, that’s all the
time I have for today. I’m going to go smite
some evil pricks. Please like and
share this episode. Please. Thanks, humans. See you next time
on “The God Show.” [MUSIC PLAYING]

55 Replies to “God Apologizes For A Lot Of Stuff”

  1. Lord can u help my mother with alcohol sobriety and help my father with being so controling and physically and verbally abusive and tell him also told the settle my own Credit card Debit so he doesn't financially controlling

  2. 100F+ degree weather. Why? I also second the person who said mosquitos… and will add fire ants to that. Actually.. just why did you create Texas tbh.

  3. Times now aren't as messed up today as they were back when you were drowning the entire planet. Granted, I still think you gotta free all those children in cages in our US concentration camps, give Hong Kong it's happiness, stop screwing over places like Venezuela, and finally get rid of things like racism and sexism. On the plus side, Rump is closer to Impeachment everyday

  4. BRING BACK ADAM FUCKING WEST! You did it for Lazarus, you can do it for Bat Man! Also bring back George Carlin- that was a REAL kick in the balls, God!

  5. Dude, you must’ve been passed for much of the last 39 years. WTAF?! But listen, I’ll forgive you if you help make all three branches of government in the USA Democratic in 2020. Could you at least help with that? And Please don’t be a dick by putting in non-progressives. You know who I’m talking about. So don’t. Please.

    Oh – and kill all the damned mosquitoes for Phat Man89. Ok? Great, and um, thanks.

  6. I want to thank you God for allowing to dip my toes into just about any illicit substances in an effort to forget my adolescence. From weed to heroin, a l9ve affair with meth for 8 yrs.
    I no longer look any further than cannabis now.
    I decided I had to stop when I reached 60 yrs old.
    I'll admit I had fun through most of it. Just enough crazy to keep me awake.
    But we do so much damage to our bodies and for what? Because we're angry at our families? Fuck em if that's what it leads to.

  7. I accept your apology god I have been waiting for a long time. The only other thing we need to straighten out … you need to take the rape and pillaging out of the bible. It is not ok to grab a woman from alongside the road and rape her so she has to marry you. If you want to sit down with the book and I can show you the parts that need to come out, that are problematic for me? Mostly the rape, murder, the misogyny, the incest…. ya … it will take a bit. I can pencil you in next week I think … again. THANK YOU I needed you to say that sorry thing, so we can begin healing. 😀 Good luck Yah…. Weh…. can I call you Yah? I feel like we are on that level now. PS… The devil is female !

  8. Can You just make one exception and land one smite on the White House???? Please please please please. I promise to work on everything else within my power. As pitiful that is…….

  9. Justin Bieber. Fergie. Taylor Swift. The entire Trump family. AIDS. Every illness and despair that escaped Pandora's box. All the wars over a simple misunderstanding of the same stories being told by different cultures throughout history, but using different words/names, with only the Greeks and Roman's having the maturity to note the parallels and accept them as the same. Where do you come in? I'll point to the Tower of Babel. Let's see…what else? How about the NKJ Bible. Good grief! If you're going to have holy scripture, and expect humans to be able to hang their hat on its infallibility, at least make it transparent and consistent!

  10. hey , you gave us free will, why did we think, you were gonna intervene?
    TO pray for Divine intervention would mess with humans free will, to where there would be no free will, basically.

  11. God, there have been times in my life in which my eye has twitched.

    Thank you for apologizing for killing the dinosaurs.

  12. What about Abraham? He was your BFF, and you asked him to kill his son just to see if he would do it, *and he nearly did*.

  13. "The more Patron saints I have, the more content i can make; the more videos; the more *characters*" Amen almost-blasphemer! xD

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